i have an insane amount of work to do but i find myself giving myself time to blow it off, procrastinate... i have forgotten how to study

every touch is beautiful but repulsive

i feel like puking perpetually

"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourselves out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."(Thoreau)

nowadays i struggle to try to be the bigger person because i'm scared of losing
i'm scared that what i have isn't enough to be big
what am i looking to be good for? because God tells me to be? i cannot obey simply because, without rationalization. i can believe in Jesus without physical evidence, that is faith and i have taken that step. but beyond that, i know God has reasons for what He asks of us

my problem is... i have no desire to be a 'good person' beyond knowing that it is good for me. it will give me peace, give my conscience rest, make me a stronger, better being -- but that is so selfish. the bonuses other people receive from me being good are positive externalities, not my main purpose. so it must be that i must be good because i love others

but you know
some people are so fucking hard to love
when they have hurt you so deeply

there's a grip on my heart i've been praying for God to take away
but i know even if He does there's the finger prints

how do people ever make it to marriage?
how do people ever get through this