so as i remember it i fell asleep around 330am, my mother slammed my door open at 430am, said something along the lines of 'your grandfather's not well' and 'he's gonna go' and i leapt out of bed, and we piled into the car real quick and sped to the hospital, we had to walk slow to the ward because of my grandmother, during the car ride she kept muttering prayers in chinese especially this phrase, "祖求你救他", i wasn't crying yet because in my mind i was telling myself, he'll be fine, he'll be fine, he's not gonna go, and then the next thing i know we're walking through the hospital doors when we bump into my aunty, and she looks at my mom and shakes her head, and that's when i started crying but we didn't want to say anything in front of my grandmother yet, and then we were in the room and his body was there but it wasn't moving, which wasn't unlike how he was before -- weak, unable to move, struggling to breathe -- but i knew there was no life in there, there was no soul, and my grandmother stumbling towards the bed and saying, this time, "為什麼你沒有救他？" again and again, and she was crying and holding his face, and everybody was crying, and i went over to kiss him on the forehead and it was cold, and it was my first time touching a dead body like that, and it was cold but i held his face and i stroked his cheeks and i rubbed his hands

my father kept saying, kam sia zhu, thank God, thank God... i remember thinking, looking at my grandma, there's nothing to thank God for, this is a tragedy. why couldn't God have taken him later. why couldn't God have waited at least until he had his family by his side to say goodbye. why couldn't God just save him. but last night somebody told me, this is a trap that the devil sets, he tries to get us to think that God is putting all these bad things in our life, and it's up to us to decide for ourselves that that is not God, and that is not what he does, we cannot be deceived into thinking that God doesn't want the best for us or doesn't want us to be happy -- the root of Eve's sin did not lie in her naively eating of the fruit. it was beyond simply wanting what was forbidden. but Eve fell into the devil's trap -- she began to wonder why God wouldn't want what's good, the knowledge of good and evil, why would God permit her from self-improvement. doesn't God want her to be happy?

i almost fell into this trap. almost. i have a few people to thank that i didn't become resentful. in the end i know God has His own reasons that i will never understand but that are always working toward the good. now i know i can thank God for so many things -- that he had a blessed life, that he lived till 91, that he had a family that loved him and took care of him, that he wasn't in too much pain, that his suffering wasn't drawn out, that he's in a better place now, that he has his own mansion in heaven, that his body is perfect and healthy and beautiful.

it's the first time i've lost someone i love very much. i've lived with my grandfather my entire life. as all grandchildren are, i haven't spent as much time with him as i'd have liked, but he was always there. i cannot think of my home or my family without thinking about him, and what has happened has altered my perception of home forever. there will always be a missing piece now. it's funny that even through this, i can feel God speaking to me. in my time of need God is always there. and now I know God is there for me, sitting with my grandfather, both of them watching over me and caring for me. how comforting that thought is.

it makes me feel like i want to live this entire life with the express purpose of getting to heaven eventually, seeing God, seeing my grandfather... i suppose by the time i die my parents will be gone as well, and then i get to see them. how grateful i am for a religion that lets those who are unfairly separated come back together as one. how grateful i am for a God that understands the heart of His people so well, and loves them so much, enough to only want the best for them all the time

so yes i thank God for all He's done, no matter what has happened, God has come through and shown that His goodness is boundless and His mercy is constantly our salvation in this pretty screwed up world.