feel like blogging more today
(procrastination?)
i don't know

when i read my past blog posts i feel like i've written better things then
then i start to wonder is it because i was sad and lonely
i suppose to some extent it's true that when you feel happy and content
you don't necessarily feel that urge to sort of
explicitly articulate the very depths of what you're feeling
because you don't want to deconstruct happiness
you don't need to sort of rationalize your joy to make sense of it

you just feel it

gus is at a movie with my sister and my dad
i didn't go because i have a lot of work to do
yet here i am blogging
lol

i wonder who still reads this blog??? if any

i have a lot of work to do

so does the fact that i have nothing to blog about mean i'm happy?

wrt a previous post i wrote about having to consistently watch yourself and be vigilant ina rresting bad thoughts, and how tiring it was... i don't think i do that anymore, but i don't know if it's because i've stopped having bad thoughts, or because i've just let my guard down? there are certain traumatizing things that i still think about everyday which i wish would stop, but it certainly doesn't affect me as much anymore. but i notice that i've also stopped thinking certain things that i used to remind myself of all the time, self-affirming thoughts. is this because i've internalized these thoughts? or have i retreated to a state of forgetting that these are things i should do?

i hope i don't sound conceited when i say this
but i've come to appreciate myself for who i am a lot more now
i mean that i can look in a mirror and have more good thoughts than bad
or i can see myself in a photo that in the past i would've hated, and be ok with it now
i think
the picture in the post below this -- i would've never posted it before
but now i'm ok with it. i actually think i look nice
i think it's ok to think that

probably it's sad that it took 22 years to reach this state of semi-acceptance

i just thought to myself 'i like myself more now but i wonder if other people do?'
but these are the thoughts that you have to kill
i felt a moment of fleeting liberation when i subsequently thought 'who cares? only you should care'