Some poems

"The City"
Constantine P. Cavafy

You said: “I’ll go to another country, go to another shore,
find another city better than this one.
Whatever I try to do is fated to turn out wrong
and my heart lies buried like something dead.
How long can I let my mind moulder in this place?
Wherever I turn, wherever I look,
I see the black ruins of my life, here,
where I’ve spent so many years, wasted them, destroyed them totally.”

You won’t find a new country, won’t find another shore.
This city will always pursue you.
You’ll walk the same streets, grow old
in the same neighborhoods, turn gray in these same houses.
You’ll always end up in this city. Don’t hope for things elsewhere:
there’s no ship for you, there’s no road.
Now that you’ve wasted your life here, in this small corner,
you’ve destroyed it everywhere in the world.


--


"Regardless"
Charles Bukowski

the nights you fight best
are
when all the weapons are pointed
at you,
when all the voices
hurl their insults
while the dream is being
strangled.

the nights you fight best
are
when reason gets
kicked in the
gut,
when the chariots of
gloom
encircle
you.

the nights you fight best
are
when the laughter of fools
fills the
air,
when the kiss of death is
mistaken for
love.

the nights you fight best
are
when the game is
fixed,
when the crowd screams
for your
blood.

the nights you fight best
are
on a night like
this
as you chase a thousand
dark rats from
your brain,
as you rise up against the
impossible,
as you become a brother
to the tender sister
of joy and

move on

regardless.


--


Funny, I love both poems but they have such different opinions. Some days I feel like the first and other days I feel like the second. But recently, the second has not been happening much. Bukowski has a way with words that makes me feel like decent people still exist, he spills his honesty and candidness with such an earnest disposition I cannot help but believe what he says. It is like he manages the find the good in people, in situations, even if it is a little delusional sometimes, I think he makes it sound so real. It reminds me, "Hope is the thing with feathers." But the first poem is much more reflective of life nowadays, of the constant disappointments, the reality of growing up and leaving that cocoon your parents have woven around you. It addresses that desire to escape, to leave everything horrid behind you, find a new place, start over. A significant departure from Bukowski's optimism, the first poem is everything I dread. The inability to sever everything you don't want from your entity, the haunting of your inadequacies and incapable flaws like a half starred horror movie. "Don't hope for things elsewhere", the poem says. In moments of overwhelming helplessness, I automatically agree. 

I think the truth hurts but I would rather be told than be led on like a fool, happy in my oblivion but a sucker in everyone else's eyes. Perhaps some would prefer to revel in blissful ignorance but would it be prudent to enjoy the company of someone who is not who you think? I think there is clearly no future there - someone must keep denying and someone else must keep lying. The problem is that somewhere along the way, the one who is lying will realize how tired he is of it, and he will stop. And that bubble will burst and the worst feeling in the world, is discovering that you have invested and trusted so much in someone only to have him take your trust, and treat it like shit.

That's the fucking problem with society. Trust, on one hand, will always be essential to having stable relationships around you. It is needed not to be wracked with paranoia and insecurity, not to be a manic, psycho person everyone prays they will not become. On the other hand, everything about lying, concealing, hiding is prevalent and tempting. In movies, everyone's always cheating. In reality, adultery happens all the time. Divorce rates are through the roof. Articles tell you it is prudent to separate your savings from your spouse. Famous bloggers tell you being paranoid is correct. 


How annoying is it that the moral fabric of society trickles down to affect the people who try not to contribute to its degradation? How bad things always happen to good people, men who chase younger women who flirt with the attention, leaving devastated wives who work hard to care for their families. Loving parents who are abandoned by children seeking more power, more success, more money. I think you can never trust society not to trifle with the people you love, not to trifle with you.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing is all the indignant anger that can build up simply from thinking about this, people dismiss with the seemingly conclusive phrase, "well, life's not fair." And all that's left is a sense of helplessness, and insignificance. It is never overwhelming, but it is persistent and clingy. Sometimes I understand why people choose to die, choose to disconnect from this world. I can see how the other side is better. I want to go to that place where life is fair, where everybody gets what they deserve, where the moral fabric of society is irrelevant. Heaven, where our human flaws will diminish into nothingness. But in the meantime we must wait, and we must endure this imperfect world.

I forgot to mention that Gus and I are two years old

All I know is, I can't imagine being without you because you are so precious to me. After two years together it seems insignificant considering how long some couples have been together, but through the ups and downs somehow we've landed here. Happy and content. And that's how you make me feel. Like the gaps and the holes have disappeared, been stitched up and cast aside. It would be a stretch to say "you make me feel whole" because you don't. There are times when I feel very empty, and nothing you say or do can fix that yawning gape but I think, maybe, the more appropriate phrase might be "you try to fix me" and that's a lot more than I can ask for. I love the way you say certain words and your leftover American accent, the way you tell me to shut up when I ask who's the reacher and who's the settler, the way you get defensive when you suspect someone has hurt me, the way you joke with your family about how I eat too much, the witty things you say and all your funny jokes I try my best not to laugh at. I love the way you still love me after two years of bullshit I've put you through, the way you're straight and honest with me, the way you always try to do the right thing, even when I'm pressuring you to do the wrong. I love the way you treat my family, my sister, my dog, the way you make me feel special and the way you make me laugh.

But mostly, I love you because you're you and you don't try to be anybody else. 

Happy two years to us! And to many more years to come :) 

I am a walking contradiction

perhaps,
an euphemism for
a walking
hypocrite

I think that we must love everyone
but I cannot say how much
I am "inclined towards dislike" regarding people
who don't use "an" appropriately,
or mistake the usage of the contractions "'d" and "'ll"

I think that we must not judge
but I'd be lying if
I did not think that most girls
who are "hot" are probably sluts

I think that we must learn to have faith
in humanity, because God created
this community
to cohabit and prosper, together
but humanity and myself have convinced me
that to have faith in it
is naive, and for
fools

But does that really make me a hypocrite,
because if I did not say this out
you would not have known, would
not have been hurt or gutted
would not have been shocked or appalled at my two-faced reality

and so
appearances can be deceiving
but that is not always a bad thing, is it?
for if I were to not have this alternative side,
I think,
I would not be human, and why we will never achieve
a state of perfect oneness is because

then we have nothing left to aspire to be

Australia

Fond memories :) 

Brisbane, Stradbroke, Gold Coast, Sydney - 20th June - 6th July 

Fuck this picture cracks me up so bad

Smashed up a rental car (Y)

Right after this everybody realized the amount of kangaroo shit on the ground

Harry Potter

Just finished watching live coverage of the Harry Potter premiere in Trafalgar Square, feeling depressed. On Thursday everything will be over :( I don't think I've ever read more intriguing books, more engaging or captivating books. I remember sitting in a hotel room reading the Chamber of Secrets, curling up because I was scared of the basilisk guarding the chamber.

The child-like part of me still marvels at the wonder of this other-world. It still wishes that the books were real, that I was a witch, that Hogwarts was a real place and magic was within our reach. But more than that, as I've grown up, what Harry Potter holds for me has gone beyond the amazement. It has reached a stage of admiration, at the genius of the story, the slick and smooth development, the fine attention to detail. The brilliance of Jo Rowling's storytelling and imagination is really one to be envied. As a book, a series, Harry Potter is truly a classic work. Clever, creative, perfect mix of all the ingredients a great story should have. (Which is a big reason why Harry Potter is a lot better than Twilight. For one, Stephanie Meyer is not that good a writer. The Twilight story falls quite flat -- it lacks depth and detail.)

I also admire the transition from book to film. I've never really been sure if people have supported the movies simply because there was a deep yearning to see the books materialize in some way, or if the movies were really good. But regardless, I think the films have done exactly what the fans wanted -- to see Hogwarts, to experience moving pictures, see grindylows. Truly have that all round experience the story tries to give. (Another way in which Twilight sucks -- the films have been so focused on getting a handsome cast, creating extremely hollow scenes, lacking emotion, etc) I'll admit sometimes the films have fallen a bit short, but films will never be as great as books are, and I think the HP films do give it their best shot to stay true to the books and explore their boundaries cinematically, and it's definitely enough.

So, in 7 days many people will have to say goodbye to the series for good. But, as clichéd as it is, the story will live on as long as people remember how it has affected them.

Back in Brisbane. Road trip was super fun but super intense. Way too much driving, navigating fcking dark roads and abandoned petrol stations. Getting freaked out by constant exclamations of "Eh this seriously looks like the one from House of Wax/Texas Chainsaw Massacre leh!!!" Peeing in dodgy toilets and concentrating super hard on the road with no streetlights, constant sprays of mist from oncoming 18 wheelers just one lane beside you. Those were the bad parts of it. It was definitely an experience but honestly I'm not keen to repeat it! The days are so short -- the sun sets around 530pm. There were countless times where I imagined that I was going to die from murder or a car accident. But thank God that He kept us safe the whole way and we made it back here in one piece! 

The good parts: sitting roller coasters at Dreamworld until I almost hurled, snorting so much water up our noses at White Water World all our faces were red, attempting to surf at Stradbroke Island in almost freezing water, eating homemade gelato, watching whales and dolphins frolick in the ocean, walking a beautiful trail overlooking massive rock crevices and huge rivers, watching horror shows at night, sleeping for 3 hours in the car by the roadside in Sydney, eating a delightful seafood breakfast ($9 for 25 slices of sashimi, alaskan crab legs, gigantic lobsters), checking into three awesome, awesome hotels, floating too long in heated pools, eating lots of Japanese food, singing songs in the car really loud. 

One constant the entire trip has been this, though: the casino. Omg. You never think you would be lured by the idea of fast money, that it's for those who cannot control themselves, etc. But the moment you win your very first hand at Blackjack... it's over. Don't worry, I'm not addicted, but it is really, really, really fun. Although you have to be prepared to lose money! And you have to knwo when to walk away. But I'm in love with playing Blackjack. It's not even just about the money, it's also about the thrill, the anticipation. Gus & I have controlled ourselves though, gambling a prudent amount each time and giving up for good when the going just isn't great. But even then, I quite enjoy the glitz and glamour of a casino, of the clean and shiny tables, the caribbean stud wheel, the high ceilings, the poker room, the dealers in uniforms (I LOVE FRIENDLY DEALERS), the slightly drunk gamblers who try to give you advice. If you've ever watched any show featuring Vegas you'll understand that it's really quite enticing! Thankfully I think overall we've had a net gain. It's really important to exercise self control! 

Interesting parts: dealing with the police and security at Treasury Casino, busting up the left headlights of a rental car against the back of a Nissan monster, dropping an expensive watch into the depths of some unknown but pretty lake. AND THEN, the boys stripping and tip-toeing into the freezing water to try and retrieve it. 

My favourite part: falling asleep with Gus by my side, waking up to his hugs and kisses. Being here with him, basically. Even if he sometimes spends too much time playing FIFA and NBA on the PS3... things he does at home. Seriously 

Can't say how much I miss Meelo :( Haha. Oh well. Am leaving in a few days, heading back to sunny Singapore. Reading twitter it looks like everybody is dying from the heat, so I envision just soaking in the pool everyday to acclimate back to the weather!