back from shanghai and seoul my mind is just buzzing with so many things good and bad, but mostly bad. it's like the moment you reach home you breach the border where all the bad, stressful, unnecessary things have been straining to reach you. suddenly everything goes wrong. i hate it so much, having to deal with shit i don't want to deal with, things i feel make no progress or growth to the personal development of anyone involved. feels like this shit involves just closing the door to a circular pathway, in that i will inevitably have to open the door to this same shit again in a few months, a few years, idk. i've been pondering if perhaps some things are meant to exist in a constant state of misalignment, never to be fixed. i wonder if you aren't meant to fix them, if they're meant to just be a constant thorn in your side for god knows what reason. if this fucking suffering is supposed to be normalized, and that i'm just putting too much worry and too much stress into something that should just be considered normal. when i look at the situation there are so many people to blame, who should shoulder the actual blame, but for some reason i end up feeling guilty because i'm so helpless in my ability to do anything about it.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK
23.12.13
12.12.13
"The Hungarian-born philosopher Aurel Kolnai gave the horrifying qualities of bugs some serious thought. Kolnai ultimately decided that what upsets us is “their pullulating squirming, their cohesion into a homogeneous teeming mass” and their “interminable, directionless sprouting and breeding.” That is, it’s the quantity of crazy ants that’s so destabilizing. As the American psychologist James Hillman argued, an endless swarm of bugs flattens your perception of yourself as precious and meaningful. It instantly reduces your individual consciousness to a “merely numerical or statistical level.”
This is what’s soul-crushing about crazy ants: What wafts off them is the same faintly nihilistic feeling that comes the moment you realize hammering the pound sign won’t connect you with a human being and only funnels you back to the same automated instructions. It’s what drove Mike the Hog-a-Nator to grab an assault rifle. And it’s also, apparently, the feeling Tom Rasberry has been left with, having watched his alarm about these creatures be sucked up into an unintelligibly massive system forced to juggle lots of other, equally terrible problems, and then quietly disperse into the goop.
Insects, Kolnai wrote, unsettle us, existentially speaking, because they “arouse generally the impression of life caught up in a senseless, formless surging."
- via The New York Times
- via The New York Times
2.12.13
lately i have felt an exhaustion in my body like no other time in my life
have googled 'chronic fatigue syndrome' on webmd like other paranoid freaks
am afraid that this is what i have because it is essentially untreatable
have been thinking a lot lately about how much your body can betray you
it is everything that is you on earth, that sustains your own perceived sense of living
and how others perceive you as living
the litmus test of a life on earth is a body part moving at the will of an autonomous mind
the only thing you can control
but the only thing you also can't
if you think about it your body is your biggest responsibility
you have just this one thing to take care of tbh
i keep thinking how shitty my physical body is might be related to my emotional health
hormones and whatnot
still i have a fear that there are cancer cells in my stomach
or a tumor pressing on a nerve in my brain
it's weird but i feel like these arbitrary catastrophes happen all the time,
it might as well be me
was watching a movie in bed with gus, and he fell asleep, and i saw him fall asleep halfway through the movie and i paused it, and he opened his sleepy eyes and insisted on continuing because he wanted to watch it. pressed play and he was asleep in 10 seconds. looked at him snuggled up under the covers and felt reminded that we, us, we have something special that exists right now that has broken down the barriers of two strangers to the point where i feel myself breathe a sigh of relief, physically relax when i am with him. i think it's sad that i cannot say for sure where we will be in a few years. but i suppose this uncertainty only compels me to appreciate even more whatever special thing we have together now.
recently i have been thinking about a few things, like exercising, taking dance classes, cooking... the other night i cooked lasagna and potato salad for dinner because i did not do anything for gus on his birthday (circumstances). at the moment i felt disappointed that i put too much mayo in the salad, annoyed that the top layer of cheese browned too much and the sides were too crispy. but when i think about it now i think i should give myself more credit and cut myself more slack. for someone who has cooked a grand total of less than 8 times in my entire life i think i did a decent job. as long as nobody went to the hospital i think i have things to be proud of. process > destination
another thing i have been thinking lately is that to progress as a person is a tiring thing. you have to constantly be thinking about thought processes or actions that you can take to better your life or make it worse. actions are far more controllable than thoughts, but the moment you rein your thoughts in, i think you begin to make significant differences. the difficulty is that thoughts come at hte speed of light, and you're usually caught off guard. thus, you have to be vigilant in protecting yourself from certain thoughts. i feel like you literally have to be constantly observing your mind from as objective a perspective as you can get, and arresting bad thoughts the moment they arrive. some thoughts you can't catch in time and you can actually notice the marks they've left behind in their wake.
what i mean is it's scary to let your thoughts run wild. imagination is a good thing but not when it dives into the realms of what hurts us most. i feel interested in how our parents have shaped our mental health, but also feel a little scared at what i'll find. i can't stand the idea of putting my parents at fault for anything ever.
apparently actions done consistently for 7 days become a habit. you can't hit a perfect 7 days with thoughts, it's such a long process. constant reminders, constant checking yourself. it's not easy, but i also feel like i have never been faced with such a task before. i've never felt the need to check my thoughts, use pure willpower to push through emotional pain. it's a funny feeling -- using your mind to conquer the doubts & fears produced by the same brain. just goes to show how everything is in your mind really.
have googled 'chronic fatigue syndrome' on webmd like other paranoid freaks
am afraid that this is what i have because it is essentially untreatable
have been thinking a lot lately about how much your body can betray you
it is everything that is you on earth, that sustains your own perceived sense of living
and how others perceive you as living
the litmus test of a life on earth is a body part moving at the will of an autonomous mind
the only thing you can control
but the only thing you also can't
if you think about it your body is your biggest responsibility
you have just this one thing to take care of tbh
i keep thinking how shitty my physical body is might be related to my emotional health
hormones and whatnot
still i have a fear that there are cancer cells in my stomach
or a tumor pressing on a nerve in my brain
it's weird but i feel like these arbitrary catastrophes happen all the time,
it might as well be me
was watching a movie in bed with gus, and he fell asleep, and i saw him fall asleep halfway through the movie and i paused it, and he opened his sleepy eyes and insisted on continuing because he wanted to watch it. pressed play and he was asleep in 10 seconds. looked at him snuggled up under the covers and felt reminded that we, us, we have something special that exists right now that has broken down the barriers of two strangers to the point where i feel myself breathe a sigh of relief, physically relax when i am with him. i think it's sad that i cannot say for sure where we will be in a few years. but i suppose this uncertainty only compels me to appreciate even more whatever special thing we have together now.
recently i have been thinking about a few things, like exercising, taking dance classes, cooking... the other night i cooked lasagna and potato salad for dinner because i did not do anything for gus on his birthday (circumstances). at the moment i felt disappointed that i put too much mayo in the salad, annoyed that the top layer of cheese browned too much and the sides were too crispy. but when i think about it now i think i should give myself more credit and cut myself more slack. for someone who has cooked a grand total of less than 8 times in my entire life i think i did a decent job. as long as nobody went to the hospital i think i have things to be proud of. process > destination
another thing i have been thinking lately is that to progress as a person is a tiring thing. you have to constantly be thinking about thought processes or actions that you can take to better your life or make it worse. actions are far more controllable than thoughts, but the moment you rein your thoughts in, i think you begin to make significant differences. the difficulty is that thoughts come at hte speed of light, and you're usually caught off guard. thus, you have to be vigilant in protecting yourself from certain thoughts. i feel like you literally have to be constantly observing your mind from as objective a perspective as you can get, and arresting bad thoughts the moment they arrive. some thoughts you can't catch in time and you can actually notice the marks they've left behind in their wake.
what i mean is it's scary to let your thoughts run wild. imagination is a good thing but not when it dives into the realms of what hurts us most. i feel interested in how our parents have shaped our mental health, but also feel a little scared at what i'll find. i can't stand the idea of putting my parents at fault for anything ever.
apparently actions done consistently for 7 days become a habit. you can't hit a perfect 7 days with thoughts, it's such a long process. constant reminders, constant checking yourself. it's not easy, but i also feel like i have never been faced with such a task before. i've never felt the need to check my thoughts, use pure willpower to push through emotional pain. it's a funny feeling -- using your mind to conquer the doubts & fears produced by the same brain. just goes to show how everything is in your mind really.
14.11.13
Feeling drained today because I started doing my applications. Felt ridiculous but at the same time felt like it was a rite of passage... Don't feel particularly excited for anything I've applied for. I constantly feel upset that I haven't found that one thing in life I'm desperate to do.
If you want to feel like a failure just start searching for a job.
Still, end of the night, comfy in bed, Gus' arms around me as he snores lightly. Things could be a lot worse I suppose.
If you want to feel like a failure just start searching for a job.
Still, end of the night, comfy in bed, Gus' arms around me as he snores lightly. Things could be a lot worse I suppose.
3.11.13
Haven't felt the urge to blog at all recently, or to write down anything important to me, really. It isn't even that I'm busy with school, I just don't even remember or feel the urge. In the past I would always feel like writing. Nowadays I just don't care. I wonder why that is? I only decided to write things down now because I read someone else's blog that reminded about how cathartic writing can be sometimes.
It's so difficult to explain what I'm feeling also because it's so difficult to justify. It's unreasonable to some extent, which makes me feel ashamed for feeling it. But again, this is something I read awhile ago but has always stuck with me: you can't apologize for how you feel. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. You can only control how you choose to act on those feelings. And what I feel is: disappointment. I feel that I've trusted myself and pushed myself hard enough to get past certain things in life that I know for a fact are not worth harping on or clinging onto or giving in to. And at times I've felt like I've truly succeeded, and that I've really made progress. And then at other times I feel like I've taken two steps back instead. It gets so confusing. I can't explain it. When I feel like I've taken two steps back, I feel that exact same pull, the exact same gravity that's always dragged me into the void, like the light I've worked so hard to crawl towards is just shrinking away from me.
On the other hand I am having more fun in school. On Friday we sat in the Honours room and someone said, do you feel like we all only made friends in year 4? And it felt good that other people felt the way I did, that the first 3 years of university was pointless but making friends now, if it all lead to this point, I suppose it could be worth it. It feels like I've been waiting for this for a long time as well, that for so long I've been telling God that I'm ready for whatever this is, this static, unmoving piece of life I'm living, to be over and done with, and that the time is finally coming. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I'm glad that this year's honours cohort seems to be quite close and friendly and generally fun people.
I just thought about things I always try to avoid instead of facing. I never really realized that I was the type of person to run away I think mostly because I never had things to run away from. I can't help feeling like you're being forced to grow up all the time. I can't imagine children who lose their parents and are forced to grow up overnight to care for their siblings. Often I get stuck pitying myself and all the shit I go through when it's honestly nothing compared to others. When I think about last night, that's what I think.
Also, been hearing of a lot of people passing away. People my age. It feels surreal. I wonder if to some extent I'm trying to desensitize myself to all this news. Almost to the point where if I start thinking about it I automatically start thinking about something else. It's weird.
I don't even know how to blog anymore.
It's so difficult to explain what I'm feeling also because it's so difficult to justify. It's unreasonable to some extent, which makes me feel ashamed for feeling it. But again, this is something I read awhile ago but has always stuck with me: you can't apologize for how you feel. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. You can only control how you choose to act on those feelings. And what I feel is: disappointment. I feel that I've trusted myself and pushed myself hard enough to get past certain things in life that I know for a fact are not worth harping on or clinging onto or giving in to. And at times I've felt like I've truly succeeded, and that I've really made progress. And then at other times I feel like I've taken two steps back instead. It gets so confusing. I can't explain it. When I feel like I've taken two steps back, I feel that exact same pull, the exact same gravity that's always dragged me into the void, like the light I've worked so hard to crawl towards is just shrinking away from me.
On the other hand I am having more fun in school. On Friday we sat in the Honours room and someone said, do you feel like we all only made friends in year 4? And it felt good that other people felt the way I did, that the first 3 years of university was pointless but making friends now, if it all lead to this point, I suppose it could be worth it. It feels like I've been waiting for this for a long time as well, that for so long I've been telling God that I'm ready for whatever this is, this static, unmoving piece of life I'm living, to be over and done with, and that the time is finally coming. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I'm glad that this year's honours cohort seems to be quite close and friendly and generally fun people.
I just thought about things I always try to avoid instead of facing. I never really realized that I was the type of person to run away I think mostly because I never had things to run away from. I can't help feeling like you're being forced to grow up all the time. I can't imagine children who lose their parents and are forced to grow up overnight to care for their siblings. Often I get stuck pitying myself and all the shit I go through when it's honestly nothing compared to others. When I think about last night, that's what I think.
Also, been hearing of a lot of people passing away. People my age. It feels surreal. I wonder if to some extent I'm trying to desensitize myself to all this news. Almost to the point where if I start thinking about it I automatically start thinking about something else. It's weird.
I don't even know how to blog anymore.
10.10.13
this blog is dying
i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'
things i have thought:
people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.
i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.
i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?
i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'
SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY
that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?
sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.
but it has to end.
i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'
things i have thought:
people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.
i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.
i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?
i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'
SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY
that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?
sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.
but it has to end.
3.10.13
here are some things i have written elsewhere:
had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen
It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.
had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen
never realized how many
songs on the radio were songs that were like… ‘this is my life’ and ‘i’ll do
what i want’ and ‘nobody can hold me down’. never realized how encouraging it
is to hear things like that when you don’t expect it even if it’s coming from
people who are super famous and successful.. really liking ‘roar’ by katy perry
right now. i like that she calls herself a ‘champion’ it has a feel that is
like i am ‘great’ and ‘unbeatable’ and ‘i will fucking vanquish all of you’…i
like it i like being respected
think my face looks not bad
today but could have chosen better clothes for my body
hate that i am superficial
like this, wish i didn’t care but i do care ~ 80% of the time
i got sick of ‘safe &
sound’ by capital cities faster than i thought i would
i am so tired and i didn’t
even do anything today except wake up and drink coffee
seems strange that we can
feel/have things but simultaneously hide it from ourselves. if i was just
totally honest with whatever i feel all the time and not feel ashamed for
feeling them what would happen
It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.
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