had quite an enjoyable past few days, spread out between family, friends... not school but i guess that's why it was enjoyable??? ha
sick of studying but i have to do it because the only thing worse than studying is working
i do not, at this moment, equate any form of career-driven opportunities as relevant to the critical 'self-discovery' element of one's 20s. in fact i look more to the career-averse activities in life as teaching more of a lesson than career-driven ones do
last night there were emotions and things i couldn't handle and things that made me feel like punching a wall but about two hours later i realised how impulsive i get, how desperate i am to justify all my ridiculous feelings within the five minutes of feeling them. not only that but the growing paranoia i began to recognize, i managed to subdue. quite naturally i realised i would be worrying about nothing
tammy said this to me which is: why worry about things that haven't happened? which is pretty cliché and lots of people say it but my question is this. aren't you a fool if you could have foreseen the bad things to come but you didn't?
31.3.13
25.3.13
actually i have a lot of thoughts because i've been reading 'counterfeit gods' by tim keller which caleb lent to me... well not just that but also a lot of quotes that i've been stumbling across, things that have been happening around me and i've been trying to consolidate all this advice that's been filtering into my mind and really trying to live them out and it's something like this:
stop worrying so much
sometimes you just have to say 'fuck that shit i don't care'
don't be small for somebody else
you can probably keep something in your life well if you can stand to lose it and be okay
you're worth a lot more than you think you just have to relax enough to let yourself see it
if you're confident in yourself you will suddenly find your own opinions rising above those of others
some people are just not worth the effort
take the high road because it makes those on the low road feel stupid
lastly,
remember that you were meant for another world
not this one. not your room or your coffee breaks or your clothes or your boyfriends or your clubs
where nothing will ever be satisfied
so stop trying to look for satisfaction here
stop worrying so much
sometimes you just have to say 'fuck that shit i don't care'
don't be small for somebody else
you can probably keep something in your life well if you can stand to lose it and be okay
you're worth a lot more than you think you just have to relax enough to let yourself see it
if you're confident in yourself you will suddenly find your own opinions rising above those of others
some people are just not worth the effort
take the high road because it makes those on the low road feel stupid
lastly,
remember that you were meant for another world
not this one. not your room or your coffee breaks or your clothes or your boyfriends or your clubs
where nothing will ever be satisfied
so stop trying to look for satisfaction here
Bancho's day out!! He was a handful.
I don't know how many times a day I have to say things to myself like 'forget it you're better than that', 'no you don't wanna be that person', 'nah it's not worth your time', which makes me think on so many levels, if I have to be so convincing to myself I must've been really bad... and I'm not sure I'm believing myself anyway
I swear I'm trying to do things good now
I never realised this: even finding your one true love on earth will not make you happy, even if he is "the one", even if you click on a thousand different levels, even if your love for each other is boundless... you will not be happy
"The love I've known is the loveThe number one thing I don't care about right now is school
of two people staring
not at each other, but in the same direction"
- Frank Bidart
17.3.13
I have the face of a lump of coal not a diamond
And I never really cared because I thought at least my heart was gold
But now I realise that diamonds are more easily bought
And they shine and sparkle in ways that gold won't
So all I have is a lump of coal face
That you keep holding a mirror to
And all I see is that
Not diamond
And you keep that mirror there
Constantly
I gotta tell you
You're really good at doing that
And I never really cared because I thought at least my heart was gold
But now I realise that diamonds are more easily bought
And they shine and sparkle in ways that gold won't
So all I have is a lump of coal face
That you keep holding a mirror to
And all I see is that
Not diamond
And you keep that mirror there
Constantly
I gotta tell you
You're really good at doing that
11.3.13
today i said to you "no good deed goes unpunished. i'm scared of doing the good thing, of being nice because what's the point? i'll still get hurt. it isn't fair. i'm trying to protect myself sometimes when i think about not doing what is right/being nice and there's nothing wrong with that"
and you said "listen to what you are saying. you want to protect yourself. you want to be in control. but you can't. only God can control these things"
.
.
.
"my mirror disappoints me / am i the only one?"
.
.
tell me your story
give me a reason to grant you pardon
excuse you
forgive you
God doesn't need reasons to forgive us
but unfortunately right now i am not God or godly
and i'm glad God isn't one of us
you can't just run away and act like you've done nothing wrong
i don't believe in karma
but i believe in justice
i just need to know if i own the hand that will deal it
and you said "listen to what you are saying. you want to protect yourself. you want to be in control. but you can't. only God can control these things"
.
.
.
"my mirror disappoints me / am i the only one?"
.
.
tell me your story
give me a reason to grant you pardon
excuse you
forgive you
God doesn't need reasons to forgive us
but unfortunately right now i am not God or godly
and i'm glad God isn't one of us
you can't just run away and act like you've done nothing wrong
i don't believe in karma
but i believe in justice
i just need to know if i own the hand that will deal it
10.3.13
i have an insane amount of work to do but i find myself giving myself time to blow it off, procrastinate... i have forgotten how to study
every touch is beautiful but repulsive
i feel like puking perpetually
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourselves out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."(Thoreau)
nowadays i struggle to try to be the bigger person because i'm scared of losing
i'm scared that what i have isn't enough to be big
what am i looking to be good for? because God tells me to be? i cannot obey simply because, without rationalization. i can believe in Jesus without physical evidence, that is faith and i have taken that step. but beyond that, i know God has reasons for what He asks of us
my problem is... i have no desire to be a 'good person' beyond knowing that it is good for me. it will give me peace, give my conscience rest, make me a stronger, better being -- but that is so selfish. the bonuses other people receive from me being good are positive externalities, not my main purpose. so it must be that i must be good because i love others
but you know
some people are so fucking hard to love
when they have hurt you so deeply
there's a grip on my heart i've been praying for God to take away
but i know even if He does there's the finger prints
how do people ever make it to marriage?
how do people ever get through this
every touch is beautiful but repulsive
i feel like puking perpetually
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourselves out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."(Thoreau)
nowadays i struggle to try to be the bigger person because i'm scared of losing
i'm scared that what i have isn't enough to be big
what am i looking to be good for? because God tells me to be? i cannot obey simply because, without rationalization. i can believe in Jesus without physical evidence, that is faith and i have taken that step. but beyond that, i know God has reasons for what He asks of us
my problem is... i have no desire to be a 'good person' beyond knowing that it is good for me. it will give me peace, give my conscience rest, make me a stronger, better being -- but that is so selfish. the bonuses other people receive from me being good are positive externalities, not my main purpose. so it must be that i must be good because i love others
but you know
some people are so fucking hard to love
when they have hurt you so deeply
there's a grip on my heart i've been praying for God to take away
but i know even if He does there's the finger prints
how do people ever make it to marriage?
how do people ever get through this
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