they say that there's a broken light for every heart on broadway
they say that life's a game and then they take the board away
they give you masks and costumes and an outline of the story
then leave you all to improvise their vicious cabaret

in no longer pretty cities there are fingers in the kitties
there are warrants, forms and chitties and a jackboot on the stair
there's sex and death and human grime in monochrome for one thin dime
and at least the trains all run on time but they don't go anywhere
facing their responsibilities either on their backs or on their knees
there are ladies who just simply freeze and dare not turn away
and the widows who refuse to cry will be dressed in garter and bow-tie
and be taught to kick their legs up high in this vicious cabaret

at last the 1998 show! the ballet on the burning stage
the documentary seen upon the fractured screen
the dreadful poem scrawled upon the crumpled page
there's a policeman with an honest soul that has seen whose head is on the pole
and he grunts and fills his briar bowl with a feeling of unease
then he briskly frisks the torn remains for a fingerprint or crimson stains
and endeavours to ignore the chains that he walks in to his knees 
while his master in the dark nearby inspects the hands with brutal eye
that have never brushed a lover's thigh but have squeezed a nation's throat
and he hungers in his secret dreams for the harsh embrace of cruel machines
but this lover is not what she seems and she will not leave a note

at last the 1998 show! the situation tragedy!
grand opera slick with soap! cliff-hangers with no hope!

the water-colour in the flooded gallery

there's a girl who'll push but will not shove and she's desperate for her father's love
she believes the hand beneath the glove may be the one she needs to hold
though she doubts her host's moralities she decides that she is more at ease
in the land of doing-as-you-please than outside in the cold
but the backdrops peel and the sets give way and the cast gets eaten by the play 
there's a murderer at the matinee, there are dead men in the aisles 
and the patrons and the actors too are uncertain if the show is through
and with sidelong looks await their cue but the frozen mask just smiles 

at last the 1998 show! the torch-song no one ever sings!
the curfew chorus line! the comedy divine!
the bulging eyes of puppets, strangled by their strings!
there's thrills and chils and girls galore there's sing-songs and surprises!
there's something here for everyone, reserve your seat today!
there's mischiefs and malarkies or yids or darkies
within this bastard's carnival, this vicious cabaret

- V for Vendetta (graphic novel) 

so this morning when my alarm rang at 6.15 I did not want to wake up for French class at 8am because I was too tired. which made it the third time I've missed my 8am class. I think my lecturer has recognized the pattern and will be speaking to me soon. I have already concocted a story: "I am always up late on Monday nights engaging in very important activities that involve gallivanting around places as a voluntary contribution to helping improve the image of Singapore's currently dull nightlife" (by this I mean I go to parkway parade and buy old chang kee)

I am okay with being alone, doing things alone, in private, in public... I used to be preoccupied with not eating alone because I thought people would think I was a loser. but after being forced to do it almost everyday in the most packed canteen in Singapore I don't really care anymore. people who want to say shit, I will not bother to be bothered by their opinions because bitchy people like that aren't worth it.

it is okay to be alone.

9pm. in the afternoon I went to kinokuniya and spent the last of my vouchers. I bought two books. V for Vendetta the graphic novel and We by Yegnevy Zamyatin. the first one I've read before, when I borrowed it from the national library. I like it very much and so I wanted to own it. I started reading it again on the way home. I also hope Gus will read it because it is brilliant. We by Yegnevy Zamyatin is a dystopian novel I've been wanting to read for awhile, highly recommended by... George Orwell haha so I am excited about them, but I'm forcing myself to finish my reading on Policy Entrepreneurs before touching either of the two. so I am going to take a nice shower and get started

feel like I need to go to Parkway. things I need to buy/do:

stationery
tampons
deposit $

that's a pretty valid reason right? YES IT IS I WILL LEAVE NOW

A level results came out today! makes me think back on the day I got my results. being called up on stage gave me the false impression that I had done really, really well. do I regret anything now... yes of course, I should've studied harder. should've been more focused. but no point crying over spilt milk, although I scraped through quite alright considering the amount of effort I put in. that was really God's grace written all over it. He blessed me when I shouldn't have been and for that (as well as for O's) I am eternally grateful

checked in with some of the people I know getting results day. congrats to those who did really well! and to those who feel like life has ended... it will feel this way for awhile but things get better, I promise

speaking of not-so-good results I think today's French test went reasonably disastrous ie. will probably fail. could not make out the numbers: quatorze-a;oeiwavoe;ritj could not remember if a bus was feminine or masculine, wrote an imaginary dialogue between two people who sounded like they were socially retarded. after which I met Bert & Jx for fries at Burger King. I chomped on my fries happily looking at the time on my iPhone (bb died :( ) 11:49am. I said, "okay la, I got class at 12 that's all." and Bert looked at my iPhone and said, "you know it's not 11:49 right. it's 11:57."  I yelled WHAT and ran off. sian my fries. had a quiz on decommodification. I like welfare states, give my love to social democratic welfare states <3

if I migrate I think I will move to a Nordic country I swear those guys have the best everything - highest level of freedom of speech, percentage of women in workforce, level of democracy, highest decommodification... wow. anyway I was thinking about what I want to do from now until Bristol in October, and my dad suggested I go stay somewhere for a month or so doing whatever just to get a feel of independence... and he said Paris. and I thought NO so scary me alone in Paris non-campus I'll die. but then I started to look at rooms to rent and dear god... everything looks amazing. everything on tumblr is taken in Paris, I swear. like I've been to Paris but as a in completeness and totality as a tourist, meaning I do the works - hotels, champs-elysee, arc du triumph, galerie lafayette, louvre, etc. I've never explored the urban insides of Paris. the residential streets, the quaint houses or the little streets people bike down everyday. or walked alongside the river seine or eaten in really local cafes and restaurants. if I stayed there I'd get to do all of those things, and the rooms available for rent are so charming!!! I mean like huge windows with the sunlight pouring in, huge double bed and awesome views... I'm so taken in and yet I feel like I must be cautious. confused

12.16am I am sleepy because I have been sleeping early but tonight idc because tomorrow is saturday. also there is a mosquito in the room. if I don't kill it soon IT WILL KILL ME

un peu de conjugasions

l'infinitif: savoir (to know) 
je sais 
tu sais
vous savez
il/elle sait
nous savons
ils/elles sont 


l'infinitif: avoir (to have)
j' ai 
tu as 
vous avez
il/elle a 
nous avons 
ils/elles ont 


l'infinitif: aller (to go)
je vais 
tu vais 
vous allez 
il/elle va 
nous allons 
ils/elles vont


l'infinitif: faire (to do) 
je fais 
tu fais
vous faites
il/elle fait
nous faisons
ils/elles font 


also I would like to show everyone how I disturb my sister on facebook:

hahahahaahahahahahahahahaha it is so fun

today mcdonald's has a 1-for-1 deal for their new teriyaki chicken mcgrill. I want to try it but Gus does not want one which would waste the 1-for-1. sad

tomorrow I have a French midterm which I am a little scared for... memorizing the masculine or feminine nature of the words is tough, conjugation is tougher and the little rules that have exceptions are the toughest. for example, I could say il est etudiant because there is only one descriptive word, but I must say c'est une bonne etudiante because there are two descriptive words and there a million things and rules like that are getting all befuddled in my brain. but I like French I want to do well, hopefully. I wish I could say 'yeah I'm bilingual' and not feel like I'm cheating the other person. I hardly doubt my chinese now goes beyond anything purely conversational

Gus is on the way over we are going to watch V for Vendetta ~EXCITING~ Gus has never watched it before so I really want him to. the rain outside is too heavy, it is pregnant with sadness and I just want it to stop

what is annoying about school is the number of readings that have piled up. even for a person like who engages in selective reading (haha) I still feel overwhelmed. literally, each module (and I take 5) has about 4-5 compulsory readings each week. each reading is about 15-20 pages long. that is almost 500 pages of pretty dry stuff to slog through each week. and what this effectively does is take away all the time from reading other things I would like to read. for example, the last book I picked up and left halfway because school started, as well as LKY's book. which makes me feel angry, because I paid good money for those books and now I don't find the time to read them.

so after the disastrous midterm that has finally passed, with only French left to fret over on Friday, I will sink into my pillow tonight and read whatever I want to read.

someone tell me, how does one find the time to balance between reading for leisure and reading for school? I don't want to feel guilty about reading my books... I still want to finish my dystopian list, and add the works of Voltaire and Victor Hugo to it.

sucks I want to quit uni and spend my life reading