Brisbane in 8 days. Feel like this holiday is finally amounting to something. Three weeks in a foreign land doing whatever we want. I told Gus, I will spend some time being on my own and exploring the city, so he can do his boy things with his friends. I think he feels an overbearing need to protect me on this holiday, I think because my parents feel I am safe there only because Gus is there too.

I have come to be more at peace with Singapore, not constantly screaming to get out and finding faults in everything. Granted, there are several things still severely out of place and in need of review, but I think I try to take them as anomalies and appreciate all the good things. So going to Brisbane will be less of a "getting away" trip and more of traveling in its very essence, to see something else, to experience something different. I have no idea what our itinerary is, but there's a road trip on the cards! Yay excited

Otherwise, last night we went for dinner at Brussels Sprouts at East Coast! It's a super chill place and they have about 10 million different beers. Gus had an apple beer which was really nice, and my dad had a mojito. Basically if you buy their mussels or clams you get free flow fries! Gus was very happy about this. Their chili clams are really nice! It's quite pricey though. Don't go there without your parents hehe. And in the wake of watching X-men first class, Gus & I rewatched X-men 1, 2 & 3. When post-credits you see Magneto make the metal chess piece move just that little bit... *\*/*SEQUEL*\*/*

Breakfast tomorrow with friends at Simply Bread. Looking forward to starting the day early!

Last night was one of the more epic nights in the recent string of nights the past few weeks. Undoubtedly because alcohol was involved and my tolerance is really bad. Personally I'm not a huge fan of clubbing, like I don't mind going but I don't feel like it's amazing and I want to go for mambo every Wednesday or anything like that. I think because physically I get very tired halfway through the night like around 1, I get sleepy and I feel like sitting down and moping, things like that. I don't remember the last time I stayed at a club until the lights came on, haha. The other reason is because I don't frequent clubs and I don't have that much cash to splash, I'm not a VIP of anywhere, nor do I always book tables and whatnot. I'm one of those people who are in the huge crowds, no bottle, no table, standing the whole night. Like for me that's just really one of the turn off things about clubbing, if your feet hurt you have nowhere to sit, you can hardly dance being pressed in on every side. All that jazz.

But last night was different, we went down to Butter Factory... I like Butter more than Zouk, I think. Maybe Velvet is comparable. I'm not sure that it's actually better, but my experiences at Butter have been quite pleasant! Much more so than Zouk anyway. And this time it was even better because Ox had VIP and !!! Sigh I would enjoy clubbing a lot more if I could always chill out in VIP areas. Haha. Sounds bad but ugh! The props of having VIP is amazing. We got in so quickly, quicker than I've ever been in before. The bar was relatively empty and it was 1-for-1! And the VIP area in Fash was just really pleasant and spacious. I looked out into the crowd outside VIP and thought, thank goodness I'm not there. To be fair, the times I've been to Butter with Gus and his friends, we had a table so it wasn't that bad, but in the moment I just thought it was so much better being up in the VIP area. After being hit on by a man who proudly proclaimed "I am a heart surgeon" (gross) we left for Bump. Bump was a little more crowded but it was fun still. I felt the fatigue come around 1ish, but I pushed through it. I think by 145 I was alright! I didn't know that could happen! In heels some more! Maybe because between then there were more and more drinks. Vodka, jagerbombs, baileys, martell, a lot of champagne... and thankfully we were offered most of the drinks by Oxy's many friends, so we didn't spend a bomb either.

In any case it was just really fun. I could feel the fun literally coursing through my veins. My entire being was super aware that this was, for the first time in a long, long time, a great night at the club. I almost didn't want to go, but I guess I'm grateful I did. And of course I have to thank Gus for making me go haha, he thinks I have to spend more time with other people so he forces me to go for these things.

ALSO he is the best boyfriend ever. He dropped me off at 11 at Butter, went back to my house and waited until 3am to pick me up. FOUR HOURS. Best boyfriend ever or what srsly??? And thankfully he picked me up because at that point I was spouting so much nonsense I can't even remember right now. SO YES the best boyfriend in the entire universe picking me up from a great night out. I am a lucky lucky girl.

Gus picked me up and we dropped Phyllis and Whang off before heading home. Later on Phyllis messaged to say that she couldn't send Whang home yet because "she was throwing fries at her" ie not yet sober hahaha. But anyway Gus tucked me into bed and I told him all about my night and he listened, and then he told me all about his night and I tried not to interrupt haha. When I was all sleepy he left to go home. Seriously, what more can I ask for right? Love him so much

In the morning I woke up with a massive headache and a parched throat. Had to drink so much water and pee out all the alcohol before I felt okay enough to go eat lunch haha. Otherwise, an epic night! Not that anything amazing happened, but that it was just a lot of fun with friends. Haven't really had a night like that in awhile, so... it was fun :) 

sometimes I sit curled up in bed, and the wind is ripping
ripping at the windows and the awnings, it slams
my dog right up to the glass door, pawing and clawing to be let in
and i can hear the first drops of rain. they fall
like the low tide recedes, slowly, lightly, comforting
and then more, and more, faster, faster, heavier
the sounds increasing, the awning unwillingly searched
the wind pushing its way through its pores, the awning
moaning and whining like an airplane taking off
every now and then the sepulchral sound of what seems to be
rock or metal scraping against itself, opening tomb doors,
thrown into itself by the gusts

everywhere it lashes. it is night time. i go down and let the dog in.
she shakes gratefully, from her little brown head to her little brown paws.
listening to the sounds standing in the living room, i know i am scared
perhaps i am quite confident that this is not a horror movie lookalike,
perhaps i am scared that suddenly the walls will cave in, the water
flowing in mercilessly, gulping, climbing, pushing everything into itself
my family, my dog, my house, destroyed. and that is scarier than
imagining a man with a chainsaw outside the window, because maybe
i can stop that. maybe. but a flood, or glass landing on top of people,
squashing, the rain pelting down to secure it, or people with feet steeped in water
a single strike of lightning. things like that. i don't think i can help that.

and these days, these things get worse while my reaction becomes
more instinctive -- to worry, to fret. to pray my hardest that nothing
is wrong. my family is safe, my friends are safe, my dog is safe. even now,
in daytime, the wind is blowing, what some would call "a nice breeze"
despite its cooling properties, it is lightly moving some pieces of metal
laid upon the scaffolding outside the house. where workers
scramble up and down the huge structure, underneath lightly moving
pieces of metal. i am worried, as usual, again.

i do not remember a time in the past two years where i wasn't.
and when was it like this, to be worried all the time? all the fucking time?

There is something wrong with our society if people slog hours doing manual labour, being a security guard, cleaning a house, only to earn $360 a month and the ones who earn millions sit in comfy office chairs, leave the office on time, take holidays at leisure, retire home to a huge house and a soft bed.

If there's one thing I really can't stand is people not understanding that no matter where you stand in society, you are still a person, everyone is a person, everybody is the same, and that you are no better than someone else because of your riches, or your clothes, or your education. People not understanding and putting that into action, showing discrimination, acting superior, being bias and feeling entitled to be as such. I hate spoilt kids, and I find it so embarrassing when I see their parents, because then it clicks: oh, no wonder the child is like that. I find it embarrassing for them, they should be embarrassed. Feel like they are raising a monster.

I cringe thinking about the fact that I know several people my age who are really like this. I find it incredulous that you could be alive for twenty years and still not comprehend compassion, consideration, kindness. It's ironic perhaps but I find it so much easier to love the one who is dressed in rags and smells bad than to love the one who is dressed in Prada, nose in the air. I'm really not trying to speak of how noble I am or whatever, it's just honestly how I feel. I know I'm also spoilt to a certain extent -- I'm quite lazy, I don't like to work, I spend impulsively, etc. But at the same time I know I'm capable of giving when I need to, giving time, help, money, etc to those who need it. I know I'm capable of being kind and considerate to the ones who are less fortunate than me. Because I know for a fact that by some cruel twist of fate (in a book I read it says the world is asymmetrical) I am here and they are not. And if everything took place again, there is high chance I will not be here, that I'll be in the slums, starving, something.

And so I know to be grateful for what I have, to respect other people's life choices, to recognize when someone is less fortunate (not even just financially, but even emotionally, socially, mentally, etc) and to do what is within my capacity to help. If anything I think God made us to help one another, to live beyond ourselves, beyond our needs.

I try to remember this quote. I think it's really true,

Don't try to be different. Just be good. To be good is different enough. 

Arthur Freed

The Great Flood

This afternoon my cousins came over with their children. I found out their children are called my second cousins, I did not know that. I did not know there was a name for them like that. Stupid, I know. Anyway, my mom promptly became the good hostess she always tries to be, showing them here and there around the new house. They opened the glass sliding doors in the back room, padded down the stairs to the basement while everyone else hung out in the living room, oblivious to what was going on. In a bit, they returned up from the stairs, and my mom says in largely a factual tone, tainted with a little bit of anxiety: the basement is flooded. My dad has been in a bilious mood recently and when I looked at him I was afraid, my heart was beating faster and faster. He has been under a lot of stress lately. Teething problems with a new house, work things, etc. I always try to think of ways I can help him and I come up with nothing. There is nothing I can do.

Thankfully he kind of chuckled to himself, gave a little sigh and proceeded downstairs. And so did I, together with my sister, Gus, my uncle, my cousins, most people who were over at the time. I entered behind a few people but already I could hear the slushing sound of the water, steps being cushioned by a body of water that rose to cover my feet completely and a little bit of my ankle, the effects of heavy rain over the past few days. And the destruction could be seen immediately. Cardboard boxes with water stains creeping up their sides, shelving units sitting in the stale water, a farrago of boxes and containers somnolently biding their time in the flooded room. The basement is not small, just to be clear. It would be perhaps 1.5 times the size of a normal classroom in school, with low ceiling. And everywhere you walked it was flooded, water churning around your ankles, ripples moving from you, an epicenter, ricocheting off the walls on the other end.

Immediately the situation had the potential to become so inadvertently disastrous. People could've started being angry, frustrated, imploring why why why. But, I will just thank God for this, we managed to turn it into a really fun day. An adventure -- I've never experienced anything like it. We formed human chains and hauled important artifacts towards dry land. We turned plastic containers and boxes into boats and floated them through the water to be delivered. We laughed about all the things that were gone -- old ovens, microwaves, (sadly) the xbox and its controllers. Stupefied at the weight of some of the suitcases we had to move, pulling open their buckles only to see water pouring out indignantly. Everybody chipping in, moving and moving, hauling and shifting, climbing up those stairs, climbing down again. Towards the end we discovered a cardboard box that had taken the brunt of the soaking (being at the bottom of three stacked boxes) labelled 'keepsakes'. Ripping it open we found old photographs, of us as children, scrapbooks with holiday memories reduced into two-dimensional pictures and yellowing ticket stubs. I felt so sad when my mother turned up this photo frame that housed many 8 or 9 pictures, black and white, my parents on their wedding day, smiles becoming disfigured from being waterlogged.

Still we worked and worked. I felt that my parents might have found the whole incident to be laced with ignominy. They were supposed to be letting everyone see, look at this new house we bought! It's really great, it's really great. And then this happens. But my cousins, my uncles, everybody was happy to roll up their sleeves and jump into the mess. Whatever it was, it was an interesting event for sure. And I have this to show for it!

BIG SMILES! You can see the water swirling around ankles and one of the "boats"

A lot of my brother's stuff got wet. Because he isn't around we temporarily stored his things downstairs while we worked out the rooming and renovation. Thankfully it was mostly clothes that got wet though, we managed to salvage a lot of his memorabilia from school, army, etc. 

The grand denouement to this very strange episode -- everybody diving headlong into the swimming pool in our clothes. Tired, sweaty and hot bodies hitting cool, refreshing water. Feeling happy, feeling accomplished... feeling content. Feeling wholesome, perhaps, a whole day of togetherness with my parents, my siblings, my extended relatives and of course, with Gus. Despite all the logistical crap this flood is going to cost us it was a really, really great day and I'm so thankful for it.

I have nothing to blog because life nowadays is so boring.

The bed. I love it! It's queen sized and a low bed, with a fairly wide headboard/shelf so I put my speakers, some books, lamp, alcohol there haha. Also on both sides it has a pull-out shelf, as seen on the left. I put my monkey on top of it and put my favourite books inside it. I didn't pull out the one on the right because it would cover the electrical socket. Got a fan to generate some cooling air so I don't have to switch the air-con on all the time. But opening up the balcony lets quite a lot of wind through too. The balcony is behind the fan.

Wardrobe on the right. I feel like even though it is frosted you can still tell how messy it is, sigh. Door, shelves to the left, vanity/drawers to the left. That mirror is actually hiding an electrical box! Funny right haha it was really ugly so we sourced for a mirror around the same size and covered it! MY IDEA. Anyway I think I organized the drawer quite well (by my standards anyway). This is the first drawer: 

Make up and jewelry, hairbands, nail polish, hairdryer, hair straightener. The drawers below are full of random crap like stationery, electrical wires and cables, random artifacts. 

Table on the left, toilet door in the middle. I quite like my table! Haven't organized it completely but it's sort of there. Guitar amp I shoved it underneath. It's quite messy but I imagine when school starts I'll be forced to keep it relatively mess free. 

The whole room is in a state of "acceptable mess" where it's kind of messy but it makes it cosy and gives it a warm lived-in feeling. My aunty says that each room must be warmed up with lots of people, and I've had lots of people in the room so far! I'm pleased with everything mostly. I ended up with the smaller room because I was supposed to leave, so it didn't make sense for the bigger room to be left unoccupied for months at a time. But then I'm not leaving, and I'm still stuck with this room. Thankfully it turned out to be quite pleasant. I like it a lot :) It's actually the first time I've had my own room to myself! Because my family is so big we usually have to share rooms with each other, but this time I got my own, so I'm very thankful!

This is a lifesaver though. Every time I open up the balcony doors for some wind, I inevitably invite a number of mosquitoes in. Also, my sister said that she was going to start on a facial wash routine and be diligent in it, and I said, I already started. I don't know, but moving house just gives you that sense of renewal? I think... I resolved to take better care of myself. Been following facial care routines, taking care of my skin, cleaning up my room, eating healthier (trying to cut down on oily and fatty foods). Just have to remind myself to drink more water.

Okay yeah that's an update at least. Off to do something productive: do extensive research on WWII. This is really embarrassing. I know mainly about WWII, who was involved, how it goes down, who won, who lost, blah blah blah. But it's really quite superficial knowledge and I feel like there is a lot more to know. I never took history. Not in secondary school, not in JC. I'm not sure how much I actually don't know. If I survived 5 PS university modules I think I must know quite a fair bit, haha, but the pursuit of knowledge never ends!

It's been awhile since I've felt like I really thought about what I was saying on this space. I've been typing very brainlessly... probably why I haven't felt like saying anything in awhile. I suppose it's better to say something when whatever you have to say is relevant, valid, interesting. Instead of repeating the mundane activities of everyday, except that that is all that occupies me nowadays, mundane activities, drifting through the motions. Been lazy, that's all. But I'm not entitled to this laziness, not at all. Thinking about getting a job... maybe. But then again, I'm leaving for Brisbane in three weeks, and once I'm back it's another three weeks and then school. Who wants to hire someone for six weeks?

I have an extremely odd gash on the top left of my head. It's a cut, I don't remember from where. But I was washing my face and I felt it sting, so I lifted my hand and gently touched the area. I felt a distinct line parallel to my hairline and it was smarting. I looked in the mirror and I saw it, it was a red line, marked across my skin like a tattoo. I can feel it, it's like a groove and it's sore when I touch it. I don't even know where it came from, I don't remember hitting my head against anything. And that scares me, that I've injured myself in some way without even knowing, and wondering what else have I been doing to myself unknowingly?

At a loss what to do nowadays... do I miss school? Not sure. Feel like I'm a blob wasting my life away. Pretty sure that's at least 3/4 true.