Been studying, not really, haha.

Whatever. Double As for my essays, first time ever, I'm riding this high and forgetting about the nitty gritty details of exams for a bit.

Read that Dick Clark died. I remember them mentioning him on Friends.

Lots of articles about 1) NSF who died and 2) the 44 men charged in paying an underage girl for sex

1) It's really sad that he died. I'm not sure why this has been happening so much recently. From what I know army is already a lot more relaxed than in the past. Still, military conscription is a necessity for Singapore. I think perhaps nowadays the reality of being so young when you enlist is becoming more apparent, so when someone goes it's definitely a lot harder to take. There are a lot of shitty things people can say about Singapore. About the PAP, about the transport system, about inflation. But I think that the SAF as an institution to a certain extent must be given some deference. So many of our Singaporean boys enlist and serve two years in the army. When it comes to crisis, they're the ones who will be on the front line. SAF is not just another elite, exclusive institution -- it is the lives of our friends, our family. So there's really no sense in lambasting NS in the aftermath of this tragic incident. The fact is that this NSF died serving his country, and that is one of the highest honors to be conferred upon death. No matter what so many young 'cosmopolitan' Singaporeans enjoy spouting nowadays -- 'I hate Singapore', 'I wanna get out of here' -- this is their home. This is, or was, Dominique's home. If he had to pick up a gun and go to war, I'm sure that he would have. And for that I think we must be grateful, that despite constantly being at threat from all around us, we have Singaporean boys/men who would pick up guns to defend us.

2) Don't even know how to feel about this. Disgusted at the 44 men (if guilty)? Yes. Disgusted at the 17yo prostitute? Yes. Overall just seems like such a dirty affair, a part of me wishes they didn't publicize it so much, I wish I didn't know. My inherent disposition to the girl is one that is generally negative, but I know I am being judgmental and there is probably more to her story. Although I am inclined to believe she was just a girl who wanted money so badly for branded bags or something she sold her body to do it. I've mentioned before, I will never judge prostitutes because you don't know what kind of backgrounds they come from. I qualified it by saying that a lot of them have children, siblings to feed, people to take care of. But when you're a 17YO girl earning up to $850 for one session and have banged over 40 men in the process, I find it hard to believe there is a real sob story behind it. I really don't want to judge her before knowing her full story but I'm sorry to say, I definitely am predisposed to thinking the worst of her and her C-cups. On the other hand, the 44 men: what's new, right? Men will be perverts, that's how it's always been. I'm glad they're getting charged and justice is being served -- not to the girl, because she clearly solicited their attention, but justice for the many people who believed these men to be proper men. Parents, students, Singaporeans, wives, children, colleagues, friends. A good question to ask is: does it matter that top civil servants have committed these crimes? The answer is, very simply, yes. Not because it is probably morally wrong, but because I find it incredulous that these people, apparently the government's pick of the cream of the crop, are going in with this line of defence: "She told me she was of legal age." I mean... seriously?

I tweeted this today, 'is Singapore becoming more unsafe or am i just reading more news?'
Feel like this adequately explains how I feel every single day nowadays.
Long post, boring post, oh well haha

I think you have to define your own expectations of what are 'necessary experiences' in life. Whoever has shaped a certain mould and told the world that these are certain things you must experience to have truly lived is probably a happy man, but I think to a certain extent these experiences don't impact everyone uniformly. So I think there is always a risk in doing something just because someone else tells you to, even if 3/4 of the world agrees it will be amazing. There is so much value in understanding what you want yourself, I think that's something people forget, it's something people are rarely able to siphon because you are almost always caught underneath everyone else's opinions, constant buzzing in your ears that you can barely find your own.

I think sometimes if you think about the main forces that have shaped your life philosophy over the years you reach some startling epiphanies about areas of your life that need to be changed

I also think that perhaps if you have spent a larger part of your life tending to your looks to feel good you are contributing to the idea that bare-faced, wrinkled and 'ugly' you will probably feel like shit, because the attention you've fed your exterior has been disproportionately distributed vis-a-vis your interior. In many ways I think that is quite a gamble to take, considering everybody will one day become 'ugly'. This sounds pretty douchey but one day I wish I could sit down with a VS model and ask her some realistic questions about her role in perpetuating the female as a sexual object and contributing to the spread of eating disorders worldwide

"I hated them because they had something I had not yet had, and I said to myself, I said to myself again, someday I will be as happy as any of you, you will see."

- Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

One self-indulgent post: new hair! I like it.

Feel like this is not the hair of a conventionally 'hot' woman or whatever but I am okay with not trying to replicate ~that~ look. Making a philosophical deal out of bangs right now haha. Sometimes I think I've made a grave mistake, but other times I really like how it looks, I just feel like even though it's not the gorgeous flowing locks that all the 'sexy' women wear, it's more me because I am essentially not a 'sexy' person haha. Think this is a big deal for me because I've always hesitated cutting my hair. I've always thought it's one of the things about my head that make me bearable to look at. But I think in a way getting rid of it was quite liberating! Like ripping off a plaster. Sounds silly, linking a haircut to all these innate self-esteem problems, but... ok I dunno I don't have any justification, it's just how I feel. Haha.

Yesterday was possibly one of the happiest days I've experienced in awhile. Awesome midterm results, super awesome text from my tutor. Academic validation makes me happy which is fucked up in so many ways but when it happens I feel good, so I don't care... feel like things perhaps are looking up. I sped home and lay in bed with Gus talking about my good results and he was happy for me, probably only him and my family, the only people who I can truthfully tell about how happy I am, because it rarely happens for me in uni to do ~that~ well. Perhaps it's a one-off but it's enough to tide me over these few days of really hitting the grind on studying before exams. Knowing that I have the capability, it's funny how little things can boost your confidence so much. Gives me such a motivation in studying I can't even explain. But so happy :)

Finally submitting my last essay of the term tomorrow. Feel like I'm free, then remember I have to finish reading 400 pages of Putnam then actually begin studying. Don't know how I'll do this sem... I have mixed feelings. I went from aiming for the best to praying it won't be a disaster.

To celebrate Gus's last day of school we went to watch American Pie in the afternoon... Haha I don't know, if you like these kinda shows then it was good I guess. Funny at least. I just really love Jennifer Coolidge, I think she's so so so funny.

Nowadays I feel like social media has become such a burden and a hassle... I think it starts to show too many sides of people, people that I'm actually cordial with or like, sometimes. When people start to post really opinionated things that really clash with any one of my core beliefs or values, I get really really really irritated. And the worst part is that I start to dislike that person! How awful right, he/she is just expressing his/her view. But I feel like I can't keep up with it, can't keep up with involuntarily feeling crowded out by these opinions. I don't see anything wrong with maintaining purely cordial relationships with certain people who are acquaintances more than friends, but social media sometimes really makes this impossible. Feel like de-activating everything, think I finally understand why some people do that (aside from the hipsters who de-activate because it's cool or some shit). On the other hand I suppose it shows me some people whom I can foresee I will never ever be good friends with, so I shouldn't try. That's not offensive. On many levels I'm sure I irritate some people with my tweets and my facebook updates too. It scares me a little to think that people will think of me differently based on this, but it's unreasonable for me to stop saying what I feel just because of that, and similarly I cannot expect that other people will do it too. So the best solution is really to just extricate I guess.

After not blogging for awhile, I found something I think is worth saying. I know homosexuality is not a big deal in Singapore in terms of having a strong civil society that advocates for gay rights like in the US. But I'm sure everybody knows/has friends who are gay or knows people who are gay, at least. And being a Christian I think for a long time, I've just tried not to think about the fact that someone I'm talking to is gay, even though I know according to the bible, apparently, it's a sin, and so that's how I've grown up thinking about gays.

But then I realized, that's simply the answer to it all. "Examine the contents, not the bottle", that is something taught in Judaism, apparently, but I find it apt. Gay, lesbian, rapist, whatever. These are just labels, they're just names, but underneath it all there are human beings, just like you and me, who have dreams and aspirations and goals and whatever. To a certain extent a label tells the outside world about you, but people have to realize that labels are societal constructs, words that tell you what to think about someone. But that's wrong. You have to decide what to think about someone. God never said hate gays, God said love everyone. Hate the sin, but love the sinner. And you know, even if it is a sin, hating gays should entail that every single person who has ever committed a sin should be hated equally, because a sin is a sin. But no, we decide to love pastors who siphon money from the offering bags to buy fancy cars, or we decide to pardon our best friend who was guilty of adultery.

As a Christian I think I've reached a point where I'm learning how to approach homosexuality. It involves a little bit of mindgaming but I think it's for the better. For one, I don't think about whether homosexuality is actually a sin (there are debates). Number two, I don't actively tell myself that the person I'm meeting is gay. What I mean is you can effectively hold absolutely no opinion regarding a person's sexuality (not right not wrong) and still love the person underneath it all.

This is something I think a lot of adults need to learn, especially some extremely bigoted, self-righteous church goers. I don't really have anything to say about e.g. douchebags who are just homophobic for no fucking reason, but I think when you are supposed to be practising a faith that asks you to love one and all, you cannot be spouting nonsense about hating homosexuals. Nobody is as extreme as Westboro for sure, but I think a lot of adults in their tiny, subtle ways, they contribute to a culture of hate. And I know as much as any new born believer, the first thing they teach you, God doesn't hate.