Recently I've been listening to K-pop, and before you judge me, let me hypothesize what kind of taste in music 'you' have: probably listened to Death Cab a lot when you were younger, nowadays you're very into Florence + the Machine, or Girls or Gotye, Mumford & Sons, have albums of solid oldies: the Beatles, Eagles, Led Zeppelin maybe. Probably you have tons of artists in your iPod that most people have never heard of, you probably went to Laneway to watch Laura Marling or something, but memorized all the songs in the week right before, need really deep lyrics and hate nonsense pop songs that just have lyrics that rhyme but are poetically pathetic

I was like that before, I think, at one point I thought of my taste in music as really good. I didn't go to Laneway or anything but I knew a few songs that were considered 'real music' in today's world. Then I listened to K-pop and I really liked it, and I put it down to two reasons: 1) it's really catchy, it's really good music production, the beats, the synthesizers, the melodies aren't in any way sub-par to artists like LMFAO 2) I don't understand Korean, so I don't know what they're singing about which helps, because sometimes when lyrics are really lame I get turned off by the whole song. So I'm pretty sure the lyrics are lame, but because I don't understand them, I can just enjoy it.

But it doesn't mean I like any of the bands I previously enjoyed before any less. Of course not. I'm still a huge Beatles fan and I'll always be. Liking K-pop doesn't diminish that fact. I still like Mumford & Sons, I still like Gotye. So just because someone listens to K-pop doesn't make them any more "cheena" or less worth having as a friend. That's just judgmental. I think on some level I used to do it, but not anymore of course, I've realized that your music taste doesn't always define who you are as a person. I fucking hate lady Gaga but I know so many friends who love her, and it shouldn't make me want to be friends with them any less.

Plus it's just really fun. I'm glad that Asian music is making a breakthrough especially into the Western markets. I've always been quite disgruntled by the level of Westernization in Singapore... granted K-pop does take its foundations from Western pop, but that it's promulgated by Asians, sung in an Asian language... it's something Asians should be proud of, instead of being exactly like what a narrow-minded Westernized, 'high cultured' Singaporean would be: judging the people who listen to K-pop and defining them immediately as people that you will never get along with because 'we don't have common interests'.

That's what I've learnt anyway. I'm not like a hardcore K-pop fangirl, but I love listening to their music, it mkaes me feel happy and makes me feel like dancing, so why not? So I won't judge anyone who listens to Gaga, or Bieber, or whatever music I personally consider bullshit anymore. It's ok if they listen to it, and I'll find out who they are beyond what music they put in their iPods. That's all

401

This is my 401st post.

Was reading someone's blog and she was talking about skincare and stuff... some people have such elaborate skincare routines even though their skin isn't necessarily bad. I think about my skincare routine and I feel ashamed.

1. remove makeup (if I'm wearing any)
2. exfoliate
3. cleanser
4. dry
5. moisturizer & toner

Recently I forget to moisturize and tone so I just dry my face and leave the toilet haha. Also, I only do these things on days that I remember and only at night, because I would rather sleep in than spend 10 minutes doing extra things in the toilet in the morning. Thankfully my skin isn't bad so there's no serious repercussions for this piece of shit routine lol. The only reason I don't really concern myself with maintaining my looks is because 1) I'm lazy and 2) it's too time consuming. Also I never wear sunscreen cos I don't really like being too pale. But my mum says it's bad and when I grow up my skin will become wrinkly faster or something :\ ~whatever~ haha

Also I think nowadays, with all the shit in the news about the 44 men and the NSF dying, I feel like the world I have known for a long time is slowly disintegrating. The beams are becoming shaky, the wallpaper is starting to peel. I don't know if this is what disillusion is. Whether I'm crossing that threshold where your age cloaked you in naivety and innocence. I hate being so aware of everything that is wrong with the world, with Singapore. It makes me so sad and helpless. But I guess this is a symptom of growth and life. I thought about, in the midst of all this, what makes me happy. That is, coming home everyday to my family, knowing Gus is there. I thought about it. I think it is okay if I leave for awhile, as long as I know that when I come home everything is the same, everything I love hasn't changed. That knowledge, that there is some permanence in the middle of everything that is evolving into the unfamiliar, that gives me some comfort.

Been studying, not really, haha.

Whatever. Double As for my essays, first time ever, I'm riding this high and forgetting about the nitty gritty details of exams for a bit.

Read that Dick Clark died. I remember them mentioning him on Friends.

Lots of articles about 1) NSF who died and 2) the 44 men charged in paying an underage girl for sex

1) It's really sad that he died. I'm not sure why this has been happening so much recently. From what I know army is already a lot more relaxed than in the past. Still, military conscription is a necessity for Singapore. I think perhaps nowadays the reality of being so young when you enlist is becoming more apparent, so when someone goes it's definitely a lot harder to take. There are a lot of shitty things people can say about Singapore. About the PAP, about the transport system, about inflation. But I think that the SAF as an institution to a certain extent must be given some deference. So many of our Singaporean boys enlist and serve two years in the army. When it comes to crisis, they're the ones who will be on the front line. SAF is not just another elite, exclusive institution -- it is the lives of our friends, our family. So there's really no sense in lambasting NS in the aftermath of this tragic incident. The fact is that this NSF died serving his country, and that is one of the highest honors to be conferred upon death. No matter what so many young 'cosmopolitan' Singaporeans enjoy spouting nowadays -- 'I hate Singapore', 'I wanna get out of here' -- this is their home. This is, or was, Dominique's home. If he had to pick up a gun and go to war, I'm sure that he would have. And for that I think we must be grateful, that despite constantly being at threat from all around us, we have Singaporean boys/men who would pick up guns to defend us.

2) Don't even know how to feel about this. Disgusted at the 44 men (if guilty)? Yes. Disgusted at the 17yo prostitute? Yes. Overall just seems like such a dirty affair, a part of me wishes they didn't publicize it so much, I wish I didn't know. My inherent disposition to the girl is one that is generally negative, but I know I am being judgmental and there is probably more to her story. Although I am inclined to believe she was just a girl who wanted money so badly for branded bags or something she sold her body to do it. I've mentioned before, I will never judge prostitutes because you don't know what kind of backgrounds they come from. I qualified it by saying that a lot of them have children, siblings to feed, people to take care of. But when you're a 17YO girl earning up to $850 for one session and have banged over 40 men in the process, I find it hard to believe there is a real sob story behind it. I really don't want to judge her before knowing her full story but I'm sorry to say, I definitely am predisposed to thinking the worst of her and her C-cups. On the other hand, the 44 men: what's new, right? Men will be perverts, that's how it's always been. I'm glad they're getting charged and justice is being served -- not to the girl, because she clearly solicited their attention, but justice for the many people who believed these men to be proper men. Parents, students, Singaporeans, wives, children, colleagues, friends. A good question to ask is: does it matter that top civil servants have committed these crimes? The answer is, very simply, yes. Not because it is probably morally wrong, but because I find it incredulous that these people, apparently the government's pick of the cream of the crop, are going in with this line of defence: "She told me she was of legal age." I mean... seriously?

I tweeted this today, 'is Singapore becoming more unsafe or am i just reading more news?'
Feel like this adequately explains how I feel every single day nowadays.
Long post, boring post, oh well haha

I think you have to define your own expectations of what are 'necessary experiences' in life. Whoever has shaped a certain mould and told the world that these are certain things you must experience to have truly lived is probably a happy man, but I think to a certain extent these experiences don't impact everyone uniformly. So I think there is always a risk in doing something just because someone else tells you to, even if 3/4 of the world agrees it will be amazing. There is so much value in understanding what you want yourself, I think that's something people forget, it's something people are rarely able to siphon because you are almost always caught underneath everyone else's opinions, constant buzzing in your ears that you can barely find your own.

I think sometimes if you think about the main forces that have shaped your life philosophy over the years you reach some startling epiphanies about areas of your life that need to be changed

I also think that perhaps if you have spent a larger part of your life tending to your looks to feel good you are contributing to the idea that bare-faced, wrinkled and 'ugly' you will probably feel like shit, because the attention you've fed your exterior has been disproportionately distributed vis-a-vis your interior. In many ways I think that is quite a gamble to take, considering everybody will one day become 'ugly'. This sounds pretty douchey but one day I wish I could sit down with a VS model and ask her some realistic questions about her role in perpetuating the female as a sexual object and contributing to the spread of eating disorders worldwide

"I hated them because they had something I had not yet had, and I said to myself, I said to myself again, someday I will be as happy as any of you, you will see."

- Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

Yesterday was possibly one of the happiest days I've experienced in awhile. Awesome midterm results, super awesome text from my tutor. Academic validation makes me happy which is fucked up in so many ways but when it happens I feel good, so I don't care... feel like things perhaps are looking up. I sped home and lay in bed with Gus talking about my good results and he was happy for me, probably only him and my family, the only people who I can truthfully tell about how happy I am, because it rarely happens for me in uni to do ~that~ well. Perhaps it's a one-off but it's enough to tide me over these few days of really hitting the grind on studying before exams. Knowing that I have the capability, it's funny how little things can boost your confidence so much. Gives me such a motivation in studying I can't even explain. But so happy :)

Finally submitting my last essay of the term tomorrow. Feel like I'm free, then remember I have to finish reading 400 pages of Putnam then actually begin studying. Don't know how I'll do this sem... I have mixed feelings. I went from aiming for the best to praying it won't be a disaster.

To celebrate Gus's last day of school we went to watch American Pie in the afternoon... Haha I don't know, if you like these kinda shows then it was good I guess. Funny at least. I just really love Jennifer Coolidge, I think she's so so so funny.

Nowadays I feel like social media has become such a burden and a hassle... I think it starts to show too many sides of people, people that I'm actually cordial with or like, sometimes. When people start to post really opinionated things that really clash with any one of my core beliefs or values, I get really really really irritated. And the worst part is that I start to dislike that person! How awful right, he/she is just expressing his/her view. But I feel like I can't keep up with it, can't keep up with involuntarily feeling crowded out by these opinions. I don't see anything wrong with maintaining purely cordial relationships with certain people who are acquaintances more than friends, but social media sometimes really makes this impossible. Feel like de-activating everything, think I finally understand why some people do that (aside from the hipsters who de-activate because it's cool or some shit). On the other hand I suppose it shows me some people whom I can foresee I will never ever be good friends with, so I shouldn't try. That's not offensive. On many levels I'm sure I irritate some people with my tweets and my facebook updates too. It scares me a little to think that people will think of me differently based on this, but it's unreasonable for me to stop saying what I feel just because of that, and similarly I cannot expect that other people will do it too. So the best solution is really to just extricate I guess.

After not blogging for awhile, I found something I think is worth saying. I know homosexuality is not a big deal in Singapore in terms of having a strong civil society that advocates for gay rights like in the US. But I'm sure everybody knows/has friends who are gay or knows people who are gay, at least. And being a Christian I think for a long time, I've just tried not to think about the fact that someone I'm talking to is gay, even though I know according to the bible, apparently, it's a sin, and so that's how I've grown up thinking about gays.

But then I realized, that's simply the answer to it all. "Examine the contents, not the bottle", that is something taught in Judaism, apparently, but I find it apt. Gay, lesbian, rapist, whatever. These are just labels, they're just names, but underneath it all there are human beings, just like you and me, who have dreams and aspirations and goals and whatever. To a certain extent a label tells the outside world about you, but people have to realize that labels are societal constructs, words that tell you what to think about someone. But that's wrong. You have to decide what to think about someone. God never said hate gays, God said love everyone. Hate the sin, but love the sinner. And you know, even if it is a sin, hating gays should entail that every single person who has ever committed a sin should be hated equally, because a sin is a sin. But no, we decide to love pastors who siphon money from the offering bags to buy fancy cars, or we decide to pardon our best friend who was guilty of adultery.

As a Christian I think I've reached a point where I'm learning how to approach homosexuality. It involves a little bit of mindgaming but I think it's for the better. For one, I don't think about whether homosexuality is actually a sin (there are debates). Number two, I don't actively tell myself that the person I'm meeting is gay. What I mean is you can effectively hold absolutely no opinion regarding a person's sexuality (not right not wrong) and still love the person underneath it all.

This is something I think a lot of adults need to learn, especially some extremely bigoted, self-righteous church goers. I don't really have anything to say about e.g. douchebags who are just homophobic for no fucking reason, but I think when you are supposed to be practising a faith that asks you to love one and all, you cannot be spouting nonsense about hating homosexuals. Nobody is as extreme as Westboro for sure, but I think a lot of adults in their tiny, subtle ways, they contribute to a culture of hate. And I know as much as any new born believer, the first thing they teach you, God doesn't hate.

In a way I think maybe life is looking up. You go through these lull periods and then suddenly things seem to get better. I don't want to speak too soon but I'm really hoping that good things come from all this.

Last night Des and I sat at UTown's starbucks for six hours from 11pm - 5am and I completed so much work I was amazed. Feel like replicating this tonight at home but it's 12am and I'm already yawning... Can't sleep until I accomplish something though. Otherwise, I have to go shop for an outfit for my internship interview on Monday. I feel like they (1) give interviews to everyone or (2) nobody else applied. Told my mum "I don't have anything to wear" because I wanted her to bring me shopping, but in all honesty, I have no formal clothes in my wardrobe at all. Not even a proper white blouse, those stiff and starchy kinds. So I have to go buy some clothes soon...

Des and I went to eat Macs breakfast after studying and spent the whole time talking about religion. I liked it, I felt like it was a conversation I will remember. Although I would like to have these conversations with everyone I meet, I know it only happens naturally with some people rather than others. Des joked and said I left her with "weightier issues" on her mind. Today I told Gus, these xxx people spend their lives doing this and that, they don't go to school, they're isolated in a bubble of their trade, they don't think about certain things that always, always get me depressed because they don't know much about it. I think ignorance has two sides to it. One, it is always bad to be ignorant about important issues, it shows you are self-absorbed and inconsiderate of the world beyond yourself, but two, not being ignorant, it almost always inevitably (for me at least) leads me to becoming sad, depressed, helpless, because a lot of these issues have no ways of resolving themselves anytime soon. For me at least I don't have a proper, healthy structure to channel whatever thoughts I have about them. I let them fester in my mind, think about them for days, let them pool into a puddle of despair in the pits of my stomach. I hate that feeling.

Today, feeling like even my best will yield sub par results, so what is the point of trying? Feel like I haven't said this phrase, "Omg I did it!" in a long, long, long time.

Had a great lunch with Bert at Holland V. I think we had a pretty frank discussion, feel like good conversations talk about things that aren't superficial. Told her about how I get really upset about sexism, and we talked about what the biblical interpretation of certain verses regarding women should be. I don't know, I just feel like I left the conversation with some substantial value to take away.

Otherwise, Hunger Games tickets booked for tomorrow! Amidst all the essay writing I think it'll be a refreshing break. Can't wait.

I don't like to think I'm a feminist. It sounds dirty, or tainted, like I'm a killjoy, a lesbian tomboy who hates men, enjoys shouting random things and being really aggressive. I don't think I am a feminist, but I do have strong opinions on a woman's role in society. I hate the fact that we live in a patriarchy and that men get the final say. I hate that so many women in influential positions give in to the male demand for sex, sex and more sex. I hate that you can hardly find boys who genuinely see women beyond their boobs and their asses, their abilities to cook and clean, how good of a fuck they are.

I hate that I look in the mirror and consciously think, I am not the sexy woman that I must be to be accepted by society. I hate that my self esteem has become dictated by the whims and fancies of men, especially when so many of them in positions of power are despicable low lifes.

I don't know what I want? I can't imagine a world where there is no pressure on women to be sexual, or to be domesticated. In the past while women weren't exactly sexualized they were essentially like servants, people with no rights. Now some women have rights but we have become sexualized, and sexual objectification has carved out a mould for women, outside of which we must certainly be ugly, dull and unfuckable. I constantly antagonize over this issue. I wonder if I spoke out more about it, if people would hate me.

I think everybody has a set of moral values/principles upon which they operate. I never thought that one of mine would be that of female empowerment, but over the past few months I've come to realize that it really is. If Gus were to turn out to be that kind of guy who trivializes and marginalizes the utility of a woman to the home, or the kind of guy who constantly demeans women with sincerity, I think I couldn't be with him. Some women can tolerate bigoted husbands. I once heard my friend tell me that her mum told her, "As a woman, just be quiet. You have to learn to tolerate. That is how you make a marriage work." and I couldn't believe it. How can some women live like that? I don't think I could.

I like this quote:

"I, myself, have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist when I express sentiment that differentiates me from a doormat or a prostitute."
-- Rebecca West

i think this is a very insightful thing i'm about to say:

i want nothing more than to just be myself, but i keep thinking i'll find 'me' in someone else.

today while studying i met an old man who was a child during the japanese occupation. he said that because of the war, he was deprived of necessary nutrients in his formative years, and so his eyes suffered a lot. he has an incurable dysfunction in his eye. one day while he was lecturing a class of 200 students in hong kong, the words on the transparency began to dissolve like ink blots. right then, he said, his retina began to fray. he said it was the scariest moment of his life, that he screamed and shouted in front of 200 students and no one knew what to do.

he has a kind face, and he approached Gus and i to talk while we were discussing a question. said that while he's not fully blind, he can only make out fuzzy shapes in black and white, that he can't stand being alone in his room, that he comes out to town at night to sit in crowded places to listen to the hustle and feel the atmosphere. he used to be a doctor, travelled to africa to work on research, studied at harvard for a year, etc. he sounds like an achieved man if not for the fact that he had hobbled in, bent double with the help of the manager and couldn't focus his eyes on you while he spoke. low self-esteem, he said, is the one side effect of blindness that he couldn't get over. having to depend on everyone and everything, even to go to the toilet. a lot of 'why me's but he has to deal with it. and so he's writing a book, with an old-school, bulky SONY recorder in his pocket, he talks and he writes his book about his journey with blindness.

'are you a religious man', Gus asked. no, he said, but he's not irreligious. said that with many religions, especially christianity, there are such fundamental flaws, scientific inaccuracies, logical impossibilities, that as a man of science he simply could not accept. how did eve come from a rib? it has no genes, no DNA. how did adam, cain and eve populate the earth? how did virgin mary give birth? but, he said, he does believe in a higher being, something out there. what is good, he said, is when people connect directly with whichever god they believe in -- allah, prophet mohammad, jesus, buddha, whoever. strip it of all its frills (also known as religion) and reduce it to one single relationship. you and this god. deeper understanding and meaning.

and i thought, that is exactly what i want my relationship with God to be. just me and Him. sometimes i think, i don't even need church. i don't need extra people to tell me what the bible says, or a group of people to discuss one verse for 10 hours. i don't need all this extra baggage of the christian community because first i just need God. the thing is when you are striving to even pin down that fundamental thing that tethers you to God, you don't need to strive even harder to meet the needs of a church, as an institution, as well. serve this and that, go for this class and that class, etc. church can encourage you but i find that more often than not, if you haven't been a long time christian, or you're not a solid one, church discourages you. it makes you feel inferior. but being a christian is not about meeting standards, you see? it is, or it should be, about being accepted even though you are not up to par. that God loves you anyway. of course church is not a pointless institution. i just think, personally, at this point in my life, i view church as a burden more than a stepping stone. i wonder if it's wrong to think this way. church is obviously a creation of God's, he wants his people to fellowship. but then again i think, why would God be angry at me for trying to pursue my relationship with Him? the answer is He wouldn't. i think in the end i will come back to church, proper. but at the moment it cannot serve my spiritual needs the way it is meant to.

i think that is what this man was trying to tell us, there is no need for all the fanfare and hullabaloo. when it comes down to it there is only God and only you. when you are in heaven you will not be judged by how many TV screens you put in your church or how many bible studies you managed to hold in a day. God evaluates your relationship with Him, not man. whatever it is, i'm so glad we met this man. i felt bad when we had to leave because the place was close to empty and no one else was there to talk to him. he's lonely, clearly, yet i think in all his troubles he has found a purpose, a way to carry on having hope. i think blindness is one of the most devastating ways in which one internalizes that his future seems bleak. i like that this man thinks, though, he evaluates and he rationalises. he said he searches for peace, but he hasn't found it, and in all honesty i don't think he will, which makes me extremely sad. anyway, even in all his turmoil, he's going back to harvard next month to study more medicine. he may not have peace but i think he definitely finds some comfort in academia, in discovering and in learning. i'm really glad i met him.

also, if someone could answer this question for me:
why is swearing unacceptable spiritually?

i wrote this on my tumblr:

'i wonder how vs models feel knowing they are the source of anorexia worldwide
probably just relieved that they're skinny
i hate it when they say 'you just have to love yourself for who you are' because obviously they fucking love themselves. i wish one of them got fat and ugly just so they could think about being more realistic in their marketing'

and then i read it, and then i wrote this:

'i think i'm quite a bitter person actually. i cloak my unhappiness in fake content or false superiority complexes. i wonder if deep down i am actually tremendously unhappy with the world. sometimes i can't access that place if it exists. sometimes i feel like i really have no problems, but i wonder if that is a problem'

i feel like i hate the fortunate and love the unfortunate and i feel like i place myself somewhere in the middle. sometimes i think i have too much and sometimes i think i'm entitled to more. i'm bitter about not having enough and outraged about having more than others. on one hand i think i am much more compassionate than other people but on the other hand i think i am also much more selfish than these same people. has that led to an equilibrium in which i don't see anything as truly problematic or truly harmful? i balance my excesses with my frugality, like parallel streets that both reach one destination. is this good or bad? confused

today i wondered is it possible to have an extreme belief in a certain cause, or to be total in your conviction to stand for something, and not be considered a prude or a  killjoy or a spoilsport. because certain things have become too lax in this world. there are certain issues that have been reduced to jokes, anecdotes, trivial nonsense even though they operate under the surface, every single day, subtle enough not to make a great disturbance, yet poisonous enough to do its work slowly and steadily.

what i mean is,
i read somewhere that
if everybody likes you/you are popular, then you are doing something wrong
if you stand up for something that you know is right, inevitably you are not going to be the most well-liked person. the fact that you have to stand up for it already implies you are going against considerable opposition.

what i mean is,
i want people not to like me
for a good reason
like Jesus
or Martin Luther King Jr
like that
a baptism of hatred
that's when you know
you have arrived

--

otherwise, six hours of school ahead of me and my bag decided to rip at the base... no wonder it was on sale when i bought it! it is shit quality