I'M IN BRISBANE!!!

Not many words to describe how great it is to be overseas with the person you would miss the most if he/she wasn't with you... My past two holidays have been with Gus and it is 10 million times better having him here. First off it's such a huge relief. Secondly it's super, super fun. Only been here one full day and it's been awesome already. Feel like this is the kind of life that I would enjoy living for the rest of my life. Doing absolutely whatever you want everyday, weather is perfect, with friends and plans.

Brisbane's pretty boring, especially at night, but the company more than makes up for it. Also it's a nice alternative to all the hustle and bustle of Singapore, even in the wee hours of the night. We hit the casino just now just for a look... will most definitely be returning haha. Cash moves so fast in casinos!!! Jeez you can lose $100 and win it back in 5 minutes, it's insane. I've never been to a casino before so I was intrigued by everything! Sam played Texas Bonus (a variation of texas hold'em) and Abel and Louisa played Roulette which is really fun! I was too scared to play anything but tomorrow I think we're gonna play poker! FUN FUN FUN FUN Brisbane is a freakin' Rebecca Black song

BY THE WAY, formspring stopped sending me emails when I got questions so i didn't know people asked me anything, so I didn't reply for a long time! Sorryyyyy but I've replied them already. Not sure what happened and why they stopped emailing me.

ALSO half the time we're here the boys play FIFA or NBA on PS3 which, if you know Gus, is all he does back at home in Singapore. So... yeah. Haha. But 2 girls v 4 guys there's not much bargaining to be done. In any case it makes Gus happy to be here with his friends, do the things he likes, so I'm not about to take that away from him now

On Thursday we're driving up to Stradbroke Island for a few days, then Gold Coast for a few days more, then maybe Sydney! Lots of driving so we've rented a station wagon for the road. EXCITED ok but I really miss my dog a lot :'( Wish she was here. Ok bye

Beauty Fucking Fades

Spent the last hour or so looking at make-up-y things and beauty tips and whatnot. Had to catch myself. Sometimes I am positive I do not love myself enough, that there are so many things I would change in a heartbeat. I could make a whole list. And when I think about that, that sometimes that is the way I think, I find myself very repulsed because however clichéd it is, I know the key to having confidence and moving forward in life (whether it be school, work, relationships, etc) is to accept yourself for who you are, love yourself for what God has given you. Many times that is really so difficult. When I look in the mirror I can only see "ugly" screaming at me. But if I let society determine how I look ("ugly" compared to the girls called "pretty") then I have let them determine the entire trajectory of my life! And how can you do that? How can you not want to rip your own life out of the claws of the extremely mindless, superficial social construct that aims to either celebrate you for being pretty or destroy for being anything other than pretty.

Also, fuck those advertisements that talk about how beautiful people are no matter what. Those stupid, cheesy guys on tumblr who make gifs of them saying "you are beautiful". And what else is fucked up is Hollywood, especially when they make stupid shows about "ugly" girls who get the hot guys, and the "ugly" girls are actually very fucking hot. I'm ranting, but my point is that you cannot depend on these things to tell you that you are beautiful. You can't even depend on me because if to me, you're not beautiful, I'm not going to say you are and lie to you. So I don't expect that from other people either. You can only depend on yourself to believe that even if you are not up to the standards society has set, FUCK IT. Because who cares what they think? I don't try to tell myself "I'm beautiful" ten times a day and hope I believe it. Mostly because I don't end up believing it (and as long as mirrors exist I probably won't. Everytime I look in one it's like society is punching me in the stomach). So instead I tell myself that I don't need this shit, I don't need to feel affirmed by strangers commenting on my face, I don't need to feel like shit because it's a fucking waste of my time and I have better things to be occupied with.

And you know what happens to people who grow up all their lives being told they're pretty and derive their whole identity from it, right? They get pretty insecure, especially when their beauty fades. They also tend to have pretty sucky personalities. So yes, another cliché but clichés are clichés because they're tried and true -- BEAUTY FUCKING FADES. So why waste the effort, right? As long as you are presentable just step out that damn door and don't look back.

One day there will be somebody who will love you when you have no make-up on and are getting fat, and your insecurities will not die when that happens, but you will reach a point where in the midst of all your flurry of need to look "pretty" you will realize that it is all meaningless. If, fortunately for you, you are a 10/10 bombshell who has a man who "loves" you then you better make sure you have a fucking great personality.

Can you feel my anger? Sometimes I really hate this society. Sometimes I think I'd give a lot to be happy in some third world country with my farmer husband, my children in some village, eating awesome homegrown food wearing sarongs. And after going to Burma I will tell you that is so fucking possible it makes me jealous.

Just gave my dad his father's day present. We did a video for him, not a cheesy photo montage, no, we acted out certain scenes from the recent past that were funny/memorable/etc eg. basement flood. It was really fun making it, and I'm so glad he liked it! I knew he would though, he likes these things. Much much better than an iPad 2 in my opinion. We had toyed with the idea of getting him that but the saleslady at apple told us it was sold out island-wide. Had to do a really good present because he's been working so hard on the house, making everyone comfortable. Tomorrow we have a proper father's day dinner, excited :)

I'm thankful I've managed to spend time with both family and friends quite a fair bit before leaving for three weeks! Not only that, I've also managed to spend some time with Gus's family, which is never a bad thing. Have not packed for Australia though - plan to do it tomorrow night, which is a lot better than Gus. He planned to pack on Monday morning (we leave Monday afternoon). Gonna have to force him to start packing tomorrow. Also have contacted NUS-CSC for several projects that I'm going to help out with when I get back! Figured I need some kind of CCA instead of just good grades, and if I was going to join something it might as well be something that gives back, right?

Things I will have to do before I leave:
- get my sleeping pills
- dig out my shoes
- settle financial things
- fix my nails

SO EXCITED

An Appeal

I'm really struggling trying to plan out the next few years for university. Basically there are tons of university requirements, major requirements, modules to take, things like that that you have to kind of know beforehand if you want to graduate on time and graduate successfully. So what I'm shooting for is to complete my honours in political science. And it's just mother confusing. Maybe it's not confusing and I'm just stupid. Either way, I need help :( I need help more with an opinion on what kind of coping is needed for different combinations of modules. For example, is it better to mix level 2000 and level 3000 modules, or do them separately in one semester? Things like that.

So since I am practically friendless in school it's even more unlikely that I know someone three years older completing his/her honours in political science. Thus I am seeking help with this. The reason I don't really want to approach any of the teachers is because 1. there are so freaking many, and I'm not familiar with any of them like you might be in sec school or JC, 2. uni teachers intimidate me with their PhDs and Masters from Harvard and Oxford ie. make me feel stupid so I don't like to talk to them if I don't have to. Although it's a really bad habit, avoiding people who intimidate you, it doesn't do much for your self esteem, so if nobody can help me through this desperate plea then I will have no choice. I have already scanned all the available teaching advisors and chosen the one with the friendliest headshot.

Meelo had to go for surgery today. We got her spayed/sterilized and removed a decaying tooth. The doctor said she was in damn good health for her age, considering we never gave her the last vaccination she was supposed to get. I felt so sad for her when she came out of the surgery though. She was all sleepy (as the picture shows haha) and woozy. She was so unaccustomed to the cone that she couldn't walk up stairs because suddenly the circumference of her head area expanded so drastically. The bottom of the cone would keep hitting the next step and she kept bumping into things. Poor baby :( She's got a wound right on her belly; the doctor showed us the removed uterus and it was all flaccid and covered in blood. Pretty cool! I gave her lots of treats once we got home because she had to go through all that. But I'm so proud of her :) In two weeks she can remove her cone! They're scared she'll gnaw or chew at her stitches or infect her wound. Omgggggggggg I'm going to miss her so much when I go to Australia, shit :( I didn't think about it. Sigh I love her so much :'(

Tonight I am sitting in my parents room, with links open at live streams of tonight's lunar eclipse! Waiting for the "blood moon", where the moon will turn red. I read about why this happens, and basically when the moon is eclipsed by the earth, the sun's rays pass through a thick layer of earth's atmosphere, and get scattered. So the longer rays with colours like blue, will be refracted away from the moon while your shorter rays with colours like red, will be shone onto the moon's surface, turning it red. It's the same logic as to why sunsets and sunrises are red/orange/pink sometimes! That was my understanding of it I think I probably got it all wrong but it makes enough sense to me. My science is one of my life's biggest failures. Anyway the clouds have been a little bitchy the past hour; they've been selfishly hiding the moon, making me run frantic to all the balconies in the house, in case it went somewhere else. Clearly I don't understand movement of the planets and blah blah blah if I think the moon is playing catching with me. Going to wake my dad up when the moon turns red! I'll try to get a picture but we don't ahve any good cameras at our disposal now. In any case I think the blood moon will only appear in like one hour plus? Sian

I always wonder about nature, which makes me wonder about God. Makes me think about how gigantically huge our universe is, and how many universes are out there unknown to our species. It makes me think how God is so, so, so, so, so big to be able to be managing all these various universes, various planets, galaxies, etc. And still be so personal to everyone. Quite amazing if you believe in God! Also, have you ever thought about life in other worlds out there? Like to me I don't rule it out as ludicrous. In fact I think that there's definitely some life out there somewhere, but we may never discover it. And imagine what kind of world that is! Like the people might have completely different features. Their world might be made up of completely different elements, rocks, metals, etc. Maybe they have no animals! I don't know. Some people claim that the earth is the "perfect distance from the sun and moon" i.e. any hotter/any colder we'd all die. But I mean there must be millions of galaxies out there, and millions of suns and moons that we might never discover -- the chance of life developing on another planet that also happens to be the perfect distance from another sun and another moon seems pretty high. So there's a whole alternative world happening in real time! Of course this is speculation. But I think the most fun thing about it is that we'll never ever know until we meet God. And I hope He'll tell me and we'll get to see what we don't know. Isn't that just so damn awesome? When we die we'll go to heaven and everything that has been massive question marks in your life will all of a sudden be solved and make sense. Clarity in an instant! Amazing. That's really one of the perks of going to heaven for me, you know, aside from eternal life, being with Jesus, etc. Haha.

And I'm not sure that the Big Bang is accurate. I kind of believe it because it's backed up by evidence, and it doesn't seem unreasonable. I also don't see how it's supposed to be at odds with how God created the universe(s) because God could have created that initial phase prior to the expansion, and could have planned that the universe expanded in this and this way, I mean, because He's God = He can do freakin' anything. IN ANY CASE, what I meant to point out is that all this thinking about infinite space, where the hell it came from, (and if it came from God then where did God come from) like when I think about it, I think of what is the purpose of us here, on this earth, in this galaxy, in this universe. Why did God choose to create us? And it makes everything seem so super super insignificant when you think about the bigger picture.

I wish I could inflate myself to be proportionate to the size of the universe out there because I feel so small. Everybody should feel so damn small, and doesn't it really just put things in perspective? How meaningless everything is on earth, in our countries, in our houses. How completely insignificant? And on the other hand God is bigger than the entire mass of universes out there, bigger than where the ends of the universe end, larger than the black hole all the stars in the entire universe collapsing together would create. (I like black hole theories) Thinking about it is an infinitely regressive question -- there is no beginning and there is no end. I feel uncomfortable thinking about it yet I can't help it.

I think the total eclipse is going to happen soon. Hope it's awesome!!! xx

Brisbane in 8 days. Feel like this holiday is finally amounting to something. Three weeks in a foreign land doing whatever we want. I told Gus, I will spend some time being on my own and exploring the city, so he can do his boy things with his friends. I think he feels an overbearing need to protect me on this holiday, I think because my parents feel I am safe there only because Gus is there too.

I have come to be more at peace with Singapore, not constantly screaming to get out and finding faults in everything. Granted, there are several things still severely out of place and in need of review, but I think I try to take them as anomalies and appreciate all the good things. So going to Brisbane will be less of a "getting away" trip and more of traveling in its very essence, to see something else, to experience something different. I have no idea what our itinerary is, but there's a road trip on the cards! Yay excited

Otherwise, last night we went for dinner at Brussels Sprouts at East Coast! It's a super chill place and they have about 10 million different beers. Gus had an apple beer which was really nice, and my dad had a mojito. Basically if you buy their mussels or clams you get free flow fries! Gus was very happy about this. Their chili clams are really nice! It's quite pricey though. Don't go there without your parents hehe. And in the wake of watching X-men first class, Gus & I rewatched X-men 1, 2 & 3. When post-credits you see Magneto make the metal chess piece move just that little bit... *\*/*SEQUEL*\*/*

Breakfast tomorrow with friends at Simply Bread. Looking forward to starting the day early!

Last night was one of the more epic nights in the recent string of nights the past few weeks. Undoubtedly because alcohol was involved and my tolerance is really bad. Personally I'm not a huge fan of clubbing, like I don't mind going but I don't feel like it's amazing and I want to go for mambo every Wednesday or anything like that. I think because physically I get very tired halfway through the night like around 1, I get sleepy and I feel like sitting down and moping, things like that. I don't remember the last time I stayed at a club until the lights came on, haha. The other reason is because I don't frequent clubs and I don't have that much cash to splash, I'm not a VIP of anywhere, nor do I always book tables and whatnot. I'm one of those people who are in the huge crowds, no bottle, no table, standing the whole night. Like for me that's just really one of the turn off things about clubbing, if your feet hurt you have nowhere to sit, you can hardly dance being pressed in on every side. All that jazz.

But last night was different, we went down to Butter Factory... I like Butter more than Zouk, I think. Maybe Velvet is comparable. I'm not sure that it's actually better, but my experiences at Butter have been quite pleasant! Much more so than Zouk anyway. And this time it was even better because Ox had VIP and !!! Sigh I would enjoy clubbing a lot more if I could always chill out in VIP areas. Haha. Sounds bad but ugh! The props of having VIP is amazing. We got in so quickly, quicker than I've ever been in before. The bar was relatively empty and it was 1-for-1! And the VIP area in Fash was just really pleasant and spacious. I looked out into the crowd outside VIP and thought, thank goodness I'm not there. To be fair, the times I've been to Butter with Gus and his friends, we had a table so it wasn't that bad, but in the moment I just thought it was so much better being up in the VIP area. After being hit on by a man who proudly proclaimed "I am a heart surgeon" (gross) we left for Bump. Bump was a little more crowded but it was fun still. I felt the fatigue come around 1ish, but I pushed through it. I think by 145 I was alright! I didn't know that could happen! In heels some more! Maybe because between then there were more and more drinks. Vodka, jagerbombs, baileys, martell, a lot of champagne... and thankfully we were offered most of the drinks by Oxy's many friends, so we didn't spend a bomb either.

In any case it was just really fun. I could feel the fun literally coursing through my veins. My entire being was super aware that this was, for the first time in a long, long time, a great night at the club. I almost didn't want to go, but I guess I'm grateful I did. And of course I have to thank Gus for making me go haha, he thinks I have to spend more time with other people so he forces me to go for these things.

ALSO he is the best boyfriend ever. He dropped me off at 11 at Butter, went back to my house and waited until 3am to pick me up. FOUR HOURS. Best boyfriend ever or what srsly??? And thankfully he picked me up because at that point I was spouting so much nonsense I can't even remember right now. SO YES the best boyfriend in the entire universe picking me up from a great night out. I am a lucky lucky girl.

Gus picked me up and we dropped Phyllis and Whang off before heading home. Later on Phyllis messaged to say that she couldn't send Whang home yet because "she was throwing fries at her" ie not yet sober hahaha. But anyway Gus tucked me into bed and I told him all about my night and he listened, and then he told me all about his night and I tried not to interrupt haha. When I was all sleepy he left to go home. Seriously, what more can I ask for right? Love him so much

In the morning I woke up with a massive headache and a parched throat. Had to drink so much water and pee out all the alcohol before I felt okay enough to go eat lunch haha. Otherwise, an epic night! Not that anything amazing happened, but that it was just a lot of fun with friends. Haven't really had a night like that in awhile, so... it was fun :)