"Final Notations"
Adrienne Rich
it will not be simple, it will not be long
it will take little time, it will take all your thought
it will take all your heart, it will take all your breath
it will be short, it will not be simple
it will touch through your ribs, it will take all your heart
it will not be long, it will occupy your thought
as a city is occupied, as a bed is occupied
it will take all your flesh, it will not be simple
You are coming into us who cannot withstand you
you are coming into us who never wanted to withstand you
you are taking parts of us into places never planned
you are going far away with pieces of our lives
it will be short, it will take all your breath
it will not be simple, it will become your will
--
adrienne rich died yesterday. i like 'feminist' poets, whatever that means
31.3.12
"What Kind of Times Are These"
Adrienne Rich
There's a place between two stands of trees where the grass grows uphill
and the old revolutionary road breaks off into shadows
near a meeting-house abandoned by the persecuted
who disappeared into those shadows.
I've walked there picking mushrooms at the edge of dread, but don't be fooled
this isn't a Russian poem, this is not somewhere else but here,
our country moving closer to its own truth and dread,
its own ways of making people disappear.
I won't tell you where the place is, the dark mesh of the woods
meeting the unmarked strip of light—
ghost-ridden crossroads, leafmold paradise:
I know already who wants to buy it, sell it, make it disappear.
And I won't tell you where it is, so why do I tell you
anything? Because you still listen, because in times like these
to have you listen at all, it's necessary
to talk about trees.
Adrienne Rich
There's a place between two stands of trees where the grass grows uphill
and the old revolutionary road breaks off into shadows
near a meeting-house abandoned by the persecuted
who disappeared into those shadows.
I've walked there picking mushrooms at the edge of dread, but don't be fooled
this isn't a Russian poem, this is not somewhere else but here,
our country moving closer to its own truth and dread,
its own ways of making people disappear.
I won't tell you where the place is, the dark mesh of the woods
meeting the unmarked strip of light—
ghost-ridden crossroads, leafmold paradise:
I know already who wants to buy it, sell it, make it disappear.
And I won't tell you where it is, so why do I tell you
anything? Because you still listen, because in times like these
to have you listen at all, it's necessary
to talk about trees.
In a way I think maybe life is looking up. You go through these lull periods and then suddenly things seem to get better. I don't want to speak too soon but I'm really hoping that good things come from all this.
Last night Des and I sat at UTown's starbucks for six hours from 11pm - 5am and I completed so much work I was amazed. Feel like replicating this tonight at home but it's 12am and I'm already yawning... Can't sleep until I accomplish something though. Otherwise, I have to go shop for an outfit for my internship interview on Monday. I feel like they (1) give interviews to everyone or (2) nobody else applied. Told my mum "I don't have anything to wear" because I wanted her to bring me shopping, but in all honesty, I have no formal clothes in my wardrobe at all. Not even a proper white blouse, those stiff and starchy kinds. So I have to go buy some clothes soon...
Des and I went to eat Macs breakfast after studying and spent the whole time talking about religion. I liked it, I felt like it was a conversation I will remember. Although I would like to have these conversations with everyone I meet, I know it only happens naturally with some people rather than others. Des joked and said I left her with "weightier issues" on her mind. Today I told Gus, these xxx people spend their lives doing this and that, they don't go to school, they're isolated in a bubble of their trade, they don't think about certain things that always, always get me depressed because they don't know much about it. I think ignorance has two sides to it. One, it is always bad to be ignorant about important issues, it shows you are self-absorbed and inconsiderate of the world beyond yourself, but two, not being ignorant, it almost always inevitably (for me at least) leads me to becoming sad, depressed, helpless, because a lot of these issues have no ways of resolving themselves anytime soon. For me at least I don't have a proper, healthy structure to channel whatever thoughts I have about them. I let them fester in my mind, think about them for days, let them pool into a puddle of despair in the pits of my stomach. I hate that feeling.
Last night Des and I sat at UTown's starbucks for six hours from 11pm - 5am and I completed so much work I was amazed. Feel like replicating this tonight at home but it's 12am and I'm already yawning... Can't sleep until I accomplish something though. Otherwise, I have to go shop for an outfit for my internship interview on Monday. I feel like they (1) give interviews to everyone or (2) nobody else applied. Told my mum "I don't have anything to wear" because I wanted her to bring me shopping, but in all honesty, I have no formal clothes in my wardrobe at all. Not even a proper white blouse, those stiff and starchy kinds. So I have to go buy some clothes soon...
Des and I went to eat Macs breakfast after studying and spent the whole time talking about religion. I liked it, I felt like it was a conversation I will remember. Although I would like to have these conversations with everyone I meet, I know it only happens naturally with some people rather than others. Des joked and said I left her with "weightier issues" on her mind. Today I told Gus, these xxx people spend their lives doing this and that, they don't go to school, they're isolated in a bubble of their trade, they don't think about certain things that always, always get me depressed because they don't know much about it. I think ignorance has two sides to it. One, it is always bad to be ignorant about important issues, it shows you are self-absorbed and inconsiderate of the world beyond yourself, but two, not being ignorant, it almost always inevitably (for me at least) leads me to becoming sad, depressed, helpless, because a lot of these issues have no ways of resolving themselves anytime soon. For me at least I don't have a proper, healthy structure to channel whatever thoughts I have about them. I let them fester in my mind, think about them for days, let them pool into a puddle of despair in the pits of my stomach. I hate that feeling.
27.3.12
Today:
Had four hours of lecture
Shanmugam was just another PAP man, I feel like if you put their lowest ranking MP there he would've said the same thing, maybe, maybe not
Studied in one of the study rooms at business while waiting for Gus, and three PRC guys came in and asked if they could share the room and I said ok, sure, and my productivity sky rocketed because those guys are so hardworking
They were so nice though, it's not a library or whatever but they whispered because I was studying and I was there first
We went to eat dinner at Queensway, curry chicken rice and it was $10 for both of us, then we bought muah chee for $2, I like cheap and good dinners, we almost went to IKEA, thank god we didn't
Came home around 8pm and slept until 12am, and now I am feeling guilty about two things:
a) not getting much work done
b) my bags, because I just saw the blog of someone who got their nth branded bag and I immediately thought, ugh what a waste of money, then thought, oh wait I'm one of them too, fuck
So now I'm going to
a) study. HARD. until 4am or so
b) I can't do anything about the bags but I won't buy anymore. I hope.
Today the President of the Political Science Society or something reviewed his already completed essay (the one I haven't even started on) in front of me in lecture and I read the whole thing over his shoulder and was impressed. But I knew he was smart.
Had four hours of lecture
Shanmugam was just another PAP man, I feel like if you put their lowest ranking MP there he would've said the same thing, maybe, maybe not
Studied in one of the study rooms at business while waiting for Gus, and three PRC guys came in and asked if they could share the room and I said ok, sure, and my productivity sky rocketed because those guys are so hardworking
They were so nice though, it's not a library or whatever but they whispered because I was studying and I was there first
We went to eat dinner at Queensway, curry chicken rice and it was $10 for both of us, then we bought muah chee for $2, I like cheap and good dinners, we almost went to IKEA, thank god we didn't
Came home around 8pm and slept until 12am, and now I am feeling guilty about two things:
a) not getting much work done
b) my bags, because I just saw the blog of someone who got their nth branded bag and I immediately thought, ugh what a waste of money, then thought, oh wait I'm one of them too, fuck
So now I'm going to
a) study. HARD. until 4am or so
b) I can't do anything about the bags but I won't buy anymore. I hope.
Today the President of the Political Science Society or something reviewed his already completed essay (the one I haven't even started on) in front of me in lecture and I read the whole thing over his shoulder and was impressed. But I knew he was smart.
Gus was trying to discipline them
just one of the few things in NUS that really crack me up, this was in the library, and i want to point out that this was a white exchange student, before people jump to presumptuous conclusions that it must be a PRC or something
and we went swimming the other day, decided to bust out my fujifilm 210. there is a super super super cute picture of Gus that I took but he has forbidden me from showing it to the world unfortunately... shy ah
22.3.12
Today, feeling like even my best will yield sub par results, so what is the point of trying? Feel like I haven't said this phrase, "Omg I did it!" in a long, long, long time.
Had a great lunch with Bert at Holland V. I think we had a pretty frank discussion, feel like good conversations talk about things that aren't superficial. Told her about how I get really upset about sexism, and we talked about what the biblical interpretation of certain verses regarding women should be. I don't know, I just feel like I left the conversation with some substantial value to take away.
Otherwise, Hunger Games tickets booked for tomorrow! Amidst all the essay writing I think it'll be a refreshing break. Can't wait.
Had a great lunch with Bert at Holland V. I think we had a pretty frank discussion, feel like good conversations talk about things that aren't superficial. Told her about how I get really upset about sexism, and we talked about what the biblical interpretation of certain verses regarding women should be. I don't know, I just feel like I left the conversation with some substantial value to take away.
Otherwise, Hunger Games tickets booked for tomorrow! Amidst all the essay writing I think it'll be a refreshing break. Can't wait.
21.3.12
I don't like to think I'm a feminist. It sounds dirty, or tainted, like I'm a killjoy, a lesbian tomboy who hates men, enjoys shouting random things and being really aggressive. I don't think I am a feminist, but I do have strong opinions on a woman's role in society. I hate the fact that we live in a patriarchy and that men get the final say. I hate that so many women in influential positions give in to the male demand for sex, sex and more sex. I hate that you can hardly find boys who genuinely see women beyond their boobs and their asses, their abilities to cook and clean, how good of a fuck they are.
I hate that I look in the mirror and consciously think, I am not the sexy woman that I must be to be accepted by society. I hate that my self esteem has become dictated by the whims and fancies of men, especially when so many of them in positions of power are despicable low lifes.
I don't know what I want? I can't imagine a world where there is no pressure on women to be sexual, or to be domesticated. In the past while women weren't exactly sexualized they were essentially like servants, people with no rights. Now some women have rights but we have become sexualized, and sexual objectification has carved out a mould for women, outside of which we must certainly be ugly, dull and unfuckable. I constantly antagonize over this issue. I wonder if I spoke out more about it, if people would hate me.
I think everybody has a set of moral values/principles upon which they operate. I never thought that one of mine would be that of female empowerment, but over the past few months I've come to realize that it really is. If Gus were to turn out to be that kind of guy who trivializes and marginalizes the utility of a woman to the home, or the kind of guy who constantly demeans women with sincerity, I think I couldn't be with him. Some women can tolerate bigoted husbands. I once heard my friend tell me that her mum told her, "As a woman, just be quiet. You have to learn to tolerate. That is how you make a marriage work." and I couldn't believe it. How can some women live like that? I don't think I could.
I like this quote:
"I, myself, have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist when I express sentiment that differentiates me from a doormat or a prostitute."
-- Rebecca West
I hate that I look in the mirror and consciously think, I am not the sexy woman that I must be to be accepted by society. I hate that my self esteem has become dictated by the whims and fancies of men, especially when so many of them in positions of power are despicable low lifes.
I don't know what I want? I can't imagine a world where there is no pressure on women to be sexual, or to be domesticated. In the past while women weren't exactly sexualized they were essentially like servants, people with no rights. Now some women have rights but we have become sexualized, and sexual objectification has carved out a mould for women, outside of which we must certainly be ugly, dull and unfuckable. I constantly antagonize over this issue. I wonder if I spoke out more about it, if people would hate me.
I think everybody has a set of moral values/principles upon which they operate. I never thought that one of mine would be that of female empowerment, but over the past few months I've come to realize that it really is. If Gus were to turn out to be that kind of guy who trivializes and marginalizes the utility of a woman to the home, or the kind of guy who constantly demeans women with sincerity, I think I couldn't be with him. Some women can tolerate bigoted husbands. I once heard my friend tell me that her mum told her, "As a woman, just be quiet. You have to learn to tolerate. That is how you make a marriage work." and I couldn't believe it. How can some women live like that? I don't think I could.
I like this quote:
"I, myself, have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist when I express sentiment that differentiates me from a doormat or a prostitute."
-- Rebecca West
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