this morning I woke up and I couldn't turn my head. slept with my neck contorted at some weird angle. it hurt so much that I couldn't go for lunch with my family at house@dempsey. I lay in bed for the longest time without turning my head. I drifted in and out of dreams I only vaguely recall now. at one point I opened my eyes, Gus was there and it wasn't a dream. he lay down with me and not-so-gently massaged the muscles that were tight in my neck and shoulder area, while I screamed like a pussy basically. that hurt a lot but the feeling after is heavenly, like all the tension has evaporated and everything is new. we settled new year's plans so that's good

when I felt better we went to old airport road to try the famous western food stall. it was really good, my chicken chop was juicy, tender and very well marinated. Gus' pork chop had this divine garlic sauce dripped over the meat -- SO GOOD. I felt my taste buds start moaning in ecstasy that's how good it was. go try it, the hawker center at old airport road. find the western food stall with tonnes of awards and order either the chicken chop or the pork chop ($5 - $5.50) Gus and I have been eating cheap. proud of us

I'm excited to plan my March 2011 UK trip with Tammy! and whoever else may be available. I want to travel with friends and go to places we've never seen. Tammy likes Greece, I think we may visit Greece. on the 2nd of March I have to be at Bristol for the open house, and then we can go travelling :) lots of friends have jetted off to places clad in white snow from mountain to valley; makes me feel like getting back on a snowboard and taking off down the slopes of Hokkaido

in the meantime, school starts in about 13 days or so. I hate when things seem devastatingly trivial in the grand scheme of everything else. what is university compared to the happy family I will one day have? what is studying when I'm going to die anyway?

new year's eve tomorrow: at midnight I will close my eyes and pray for renewal

"Singapore"
Mary Oliver

In Singapore, in the airport, 
a darkness was ripped from my eyes.
In the women’s restroom, one compartment stood open.
A woman knelt there, washing something
in the white bowl.

Disgust argued in my stomach
and I felt, in my pocket, for my ticket.

A poem should always have birds in it.
Kingfishers, say, with their bold eyes and gaudy wings.
Rivers are pleasant, and of course trees.
A waterfall, or if that’s not possible, a fountain
rising and falling.
A person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem.

When the woman turned I could not answer her face.
Her beauty and her embarrassment struggled together, and
neither could win.
She smiled and I smiled. What kind of nonsense is this?
Everybody needs a job. 

Yes, a person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem.
But first we must watch her as she stares down at her labor,
which is dull enough.
She is washing the tops of airport ashtrays, as big as
hubcaps, with a blue rag.
Her small hands turn the metal, scrubbing and rinsing.
She does not work slowly, nor quickly, but like a river.
Her dark hair is like the wing of a bird.

I don’t doubt for a moment that she loves her life.
And I want her to rise up from the crust and slop
and fly down to the river.
This probably won’t happen.
But maybe it will. 
If the world were only pain and logic, who would want it?

Of course, it isn’t.
Neither do I mean anything miraculous, but only
the light that can shine out of a life. I mean
the way she unfolded and refolded the blue cloth,
the way her smile was only for my sake; I mean
the way this poem is filled with trees, and birds.

before I point out how absurd it is to think that the prestigious Changi Airport would ever allow someone to squat in front of their toilets and wash ashtrays, I will point out the good parts of this poem. this: Yes, a person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem; this: But first we must watch her as she stares down at her labor; this: Neither do I mean anything miraculous, but only the light that can shine out of a life. It's quite pleasant, the way she describes a small hope that anyone ca n have. Not necessarily that amazing miracle that people desire but the miniscule triumphs, I think that's important 

I think overall this poet came to Singapore in the 1960s or she went to China and just put 'Singapore' because she thought it was part of China. And if you're familiar with the cleaning aunties at Changi Airport, you'll know that all they do is sit on those ledges at the sides of the toilets and stare at you when you go in, stare at you when you come out. For some reason I get frustrated when people have stupid ideas of what Singapore is like. Third world, non-English speaking, totalitarian because we cannot chew gum. Please we're totalitarian for plenty of other more valid reasons. Oh well, I guess that's patriotism at the minimum level, haha 

Gus and I went for supper at the prata shop near my house. Been so long since I've had prata and it tasted sooo good... they're improving, haha. But anyway, we had a good talk. I told him that sometimes I see some people as 'surface people' and after trying to explain it, it essentially is people who live their lives quite meaninglessly. It's exactly what it means: people who don't dig deep. We discussed how some people go through daily motions and do things that seem 'apt' or 'right' but they don't think deeper than that. Some people go all out to keep having fun, keep doing things that bring them pleasure but they don't ever try to figure out why they have to keep trying. I said I'd like to sit down with someone and have a real talk; void of gossip or very trivial things. The kind of talk I was having with him. I think people who have given life a real thought will come to have some core beliefs that are essential to who they become. It doesn't have to be believing in a God. It
can be as simple as believing that a person is on Earth to do good, and that itself will set someone on a certain path. We talked a lot about God and who He is. And by that I mean, where did He come from? I find it so unfathomable that we're all in the control of this one being that no one, NO ONE who is alive will EVER know about; His origins, His nature, His cognition. It's mind-boggling how tiny we are in the scheme of the history of the universe, and who knows? There could have been universes before us that have lived and died. Gus said, maybe Jesus came elsewhere in another universe, and we are Earth 2.0. The scary thing is you hypothesize about all these things but any single one of them could be true. 

I told him I think that people think so much about things like these, about how tiny we are, how insignificant that they start to feel like they need a purpose and they need some meaning, and that's where religion comes in. Of course there is that whole agriculture thing, but I think people started to crave some form of fulfillment. I think early on they walked around very lost and very empty, very confused about who they were and what was out there. The fulfillment is now filled by half and half: science & religion. And on that note of becoming fulfilled, mankind has started to underestimate the value of
needing to search for that fulfillment because it's now so plentiful, becoming cheap to some (happens when supply > demand) and so its value dips, thus, 'surface people.' I think if you don't try to search for some fulfillment, one day you will realize how empty you are and how the years have wasted by in your frivolity. I don't know. But anyway I was just happy I could talk to him about it. I can only talk to a few people about things like these, but Gus is one of the few who get me completely and gives great insight 

I said if there was no heaven or hell, I'd choose dying into nothingness (the idea of everything simply becoming black, but you can't even think about how everything's black because you are nothing), but Gus said he'd want reincarnation. Maybe he loves life more than I do, haha. He also said he didn't mind dying now because he'd go to heaven and have a great time. But I would miss everyone dearly and all the children I wouldn't have, that makes me sad just thinking about it. I guess once you're in heaven you don't think about these things, which makes me scared, a little bit. How can you suddenly forget
everyone you love? I know we love Jesus more than anything but just because I love Jesus it doesn't mean I love my family any less. I asked Gus if he thinks Jesus feels sad when people go to hell. Gus said he thinks so and I think so
too 


but Gus better not die anytime soon cos I wouldn't even be able to kill him out of anger

omg I'm seriously jealous. I really want another dog :( the amazing thing is Dad says it's quite a viable option especially when we move! Meelo needs some company. SO EXCITED I really want another one so Meelo won't be lonely all the time and so they can all snuggle in bed with me. the boy who got that golden retriever puppy!!! SO LUCKY. and the king charles is just to die for. kids really like dogs I think, when I have kids I'm going to do that too, surprise them at christmas with a puppy. that is considering they really want one. I think as adults you get your children puppies only to end up taking care of it yourself... they're called 'christmas puppies' and many of them end up in the pound once the euphoria of having a dog drains away. quite sad I think

I'M SO SAD CHRISTMAS IS OVER it makes me feel like crying. Gus said I should decorate my room in the new house in a christmas theme, so it will feel like christmas forever. I see nothing wrong with it, haha. anyway I'm not scared for bidding anymore because I got pre-allocated four out of my five modules. I basically can bid up to 600 points for my french mod, haha yay

I've been forcing myself to read news in the papers/online/magazines because I think it's important. sometimes it's really quite a drag because if you realize, the world is going in a repetitive motion. things are repeating themselves just to different people... you'd think history would teach people a lesson but I guess sometimes it really doesn't. also it makes me feel quite sad sometimes, world news is very jarring. a boat capsized off christmas island killing 28 iraqis/iranians searching for a better life. another boat capsized off mersing jetty killing 4 singaporeans. bomb parcels sent to three embassies in rome. suicide bomber kills 20+ in pakistan. USA's unemployment rate at an all-time high of 9.8%. the euro is heading towards dissolution and the Koreas are still going at it. Malaysian football fans use lasers to disturb the vision of Indonesia's goalkeeper in the Suzuki Cup final. LKY thinks Kim Jung Il is a flabby old man. even children know how to build bombs big enough to blow up airplanes. depressing, isn't it? but I think that's how safe Singapore is. you read about these things while reclining on a sofa sipping expensive tea. the world is in disarray more so than ever... reading about it in detail everyday really gets my spirits down sometimes. I try to do the small things; I tipped the old man who pumped my petrol just now and his smile warmed my heart

but my point was, I think it jades me a little bit so tonight I am curling up with comfortable, reliable fiction

I've just trawled through quite a few of William Butler Yeats poems... I like them a lot, I like his poems. 


The fascination of what’s difficult
By William Butler Yeats

The fascination of what’s difficult
Has dried the sap out of my veins, and rent
Spontaneous joy and natural content
Out of my heart. There’s something ails our colt
That must, as if it had not holy blood
Nor on Olympus leaped from cloud to cloud,
Shiver under the lash, strain, sweat and jolt
As though it dragged road metal. My curse on plays
That have to be set up in fifty ways,
On the day’s war with every knave and dolt,
Theatre business, management of men.
I swear before the dawn comes round again
I’ll find the stable and pull out the bolt.


O Do Not Love Too Long
By William Butler Yeats

Sweetheart, do not love too long:
I loved long and long,
And grew to be out of fashion
Like an old song.

All through the years of our youth
Neither could have known
Their own thought from the other’s,
We were so much at one.

But O, in a minute she changed–
O do not love too long,
Or you will grow out of fashion
Like an old song.


He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
By William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


--

i need to find that one switch
flick it and all this
disappears,

i am the skin that a snake must live with
until it gets so uncomfortable
like too tight clothing or the smell of barbeque
that it sheds everything and leaves it in a heap

it is everything that is wrong
and everything that is undesirable
sometimes you pick it up and drape it on you
and tell me 'i like it'
but all i see is the skin distorting you
covering your perfection with translucent scales
the pattern of the scales crack faults on your perfect face
you don't want to be stuck with that

i will bury it deep in the ocean where
the fish will nibble at it and die a slow death
there is no glory in the letting go
only what happens after
i am the snake that leaves itself behind
and we are of the same but we are not the same
there is no similarity between 'success' and 'failure'
there is no similarity between 'happiness' and 'poison'

I have come up with my new year's resolutions. I'm going to try to put them into practice NOW so that by the time the new year comes I can make amendments to the ones that are going to prove simply unrealistic. These resolutions aim to improve my overall general well-being and to make me a "better person", whatever that eventually turns out to mean

1. sleep by 12mn latest everyday
2. wake up by 10am latest everyday
3. read the papers every morning even tho they pretty shit
4. take Meelo for a walk everyday
5. join a weekly pilates class
6. try to eat only carbs & proteins/super cut down on fatty foods
7. save money by eating cheaper/at home more often
8. save money by less shopping
9. settle on a skincare routine and do it everyday!!!
10. spend more time with family

I think the most unrealistic of these is waking up by 10am... that's hard. haha. but I'll put it into practice and see how it goes from there! I really want to join a pilates class because I'm starting to feel flabby. And cos I hate running aimlessly. On the 31st of Dec I will amend the list accordingly HAHA

one day till christmas :) :) :) christmas is my favourite holiday of the year hands down. christmas dinner with Gus' family tomorrow night, then with my family on the 26th and dinner with friends on the night of the 26th :) YAY!

LOL THIS MAN SO CUTE he's like a modern day einstein LOOK AT HIS HAIR SO CRAZY I am completely besotted with him right now, I wish he taught me chemistry HE IS SO CUTE

--

things from around the world:

1. obamas not invited to royal wedding next year
2. lindsay lohan investigated for confrontation that occurred WHILE IN REHAB
3. 25% of Americans too obese to join the military
4. obama repeals 'don't ask, don't tell' law, allowing openly gay/lesbian men & women join the army
5. Apple bans Wikileaks app (i.e. apple is in for a lot of backlash)
6. Kate Middleton is so pretty
7. Old Airport Road's wanton mee is overhyped

Yes it's 3.13am I spent quite a lot of time reading random pieces of news online. Finally have a card that I can shop online with but can't find anything I want to buy. Maybe I'm finally reaching a new level of monetary consciousness! FINALLY ugh I've been waiting so long. This can only mean good things for my bank account. Christmas in 2 days! Still haven't gotten Gus a Christmas present, STRESSED