7.5.14
2.5.14
lying in bed at 1.47am thinking certain things like
i want to started sleeping and waking up earlier so that work will not be so difficult when it rolls inevitably around
i also want to stay up late and read and watch shows and do whatever i want
tomorrow i want to exercise but i probably won't. i also want to go and buy certain things like coconut oil. i am cooking dinner at night for 8 people so i have to think of a recipe.
i quit my other job. exam results are out in a month and i have to maintain my grades because of my job condition.
i also want to lie down in a corner of a library and read a really, really good book. if the book is not really, really good i will just feel bored and irritated
today i toyed with the thought of giving $10 to every uncle/aunty who wants to sell me tissue paper... except when i don't have change, which irritates me whenever i want to tip the uncle at SPC filling my car's gas..
today i told Gus when i see anybody over 60 i immediately feel like they deserve special attention and love and nothing bad should happen to them ever.. embarrassed to admit that i empathize with the captain of the south korean ferry. i mean i've had my share of feeling so helpless and shocked at what happened tbh it feels so unreal. it must be one of the most fucking heartbreaking things/stories/events i've sort of 'passively' felt in the past few years, i mean how could it not be? they were so young
but i guess it's just... if you were the captain in that split moment i'm sure it isn't easy to say 'i'm going to dive into the pits of this ferry and give up my life to save all these kids' even if it is the right thing to do... what about the other thoughts.. 'i have a wife and children and they depend on me' things like that you know. maritime law seems a little demanding on that front, i actually never knew they were expected to do that, go down with their ship if it comes to it
but ok if they're investigating other things like negligence then ok i just feel uneasy about the other part of him abandoning ship
i mean i feel... u can blame it on human weakness but not human intention.. murder was not anybody's intention, and things happen, and u just don't know i guess. when this kind of misery overcomes you i guess u need someone to blame and u can't blame God can u. seems like a semi-blasphemous statement i just made but i also felt a little frustrated when i typed it
was talking to shawn while we sneaked a stick in the arts carpark int he other day, i said, i'd rather die than wait to die, and he said, don't say that you definitely don't mean it, in any case, you don't live for urself you live for all ur family, ur friends, so on... he also said, you feel upset because you see death as an end to life but it isn't.. it's something that's just part of life... essentially you are as much alive right now as you are dead.
also the day before the news about the ferry broke i was with sandra and nut and we were talking about death as well, imagining if a tsunami came what would you do and what way would you rather go - quick or slow.. everybody tends to say quick and i think i used to say that, but nowadays i feel i want to go slow because i just want that chance to say what i have to say to the people i need to say it to, settle my shit before i go
i read that most of the bodies recovered had broken fingers from trying to claw their way out of the flooded ferry and it was one of the most upsetting things i ever read i think
i want to started sleeping and waking up earlier so that work will not be so difficult when it rolls inevitably around
i also want to stay up late and read and watch shows and do whatever i want
tomorrow i want to exercise but i probably won't. i also want to go and buy certain things like coconut oil. i am cooking dinner at night for 8 people so i have to think of a recipe.
i quit my other job. exam results are out in a month and i have to maintain my grades because of my job condition.
i also want to lie down in a corner of a library and read a really, really good book. if the book is not really, really good i will just feel bored and irritated
today i toyed with the thought of giving $10 to every uncle/aunty who wants to sell me tissue paper... except when i don't have change, which irritates me whenever i want to tip the uncle at SPC filling my car's gas..
today i told Gus when i see anybody over 60 i immediately feel like they deserve special attention and love and nothing bad should happen to them ever.. embarrassed to admit that i empathize with the captain of the south korean ferry. i mean i've had my share of feeling so helpless and shocked at what happened tbh it feels so unreal. it must be one of the most fucking heartbreaking things/stories/events i've sort of 'passively' felt in the past few years, i mean how could it not be? they were so young
but i guess it's just... if you were the captain in that split moment i'm sure it isn't easy to say 'i'm going to dive into the pits of this ferry and give up my life to save all these kids' even if it is the right thing to do... what about the other thoughts.. 'i have a wife and children and they depend on me' things like that you know. maritime law seems a little demanding on that front, i actually never knew they were expected to do that, go down with their ship if it comes to it
but ok if they're investigating other things like negligence then ok i just feel uneasy about the other part of him abandoning ship
i mean i feel... u can blame it on human weakness but not human intention.. murder was not anybody's intention, and things happen, and u just don't know i guess. when this kind of misery overcomes you i guess u need someone to blame and u can't blame God can u. seems like a semi-blasphemous statement i just made but i also felt a little frustrated when i typed it
was talking to shawn while we sneaked a stick in the arts carpark int he other day, i said, i'd rather die than wait to die, and he said, don't say that you definitely don't mean it, in any case, you don't live for urself you live for all ur family, ur friends, so on... he also said, you feel upset because you see death as an end to life but it isn't.. it's something that's just part of life... essentially you are as much alive right now as you are dead.
also the day before the news about the ferry broke i was with sandra and nut and we were talking about death as well, imagining if a tsunami came what would you do and what way would you rather go - quick or slow.. everybody tends to say quick and i think i used to say that, but nowadays i feel i want to go slow because i just want that chance to say what i have to say to the people i need to say it to, settle my shit before i go
i read that most of the bodies recovered had broken fingers from trying to claw their way out of the flooded ferry and it was one of the most upsetting things i ever read i think
1.5.14
graduation
so apparently i've graduated, i'm no longer a student and will never be in my entire life unless i make the conscious decision to go back and become one... but it feels weird now, education is something that i will 'return' to and not 'go forward' with any longer. to the extent that i internalize that education is a privilege, i'm honestly extremely sad to see this institution fade out of my life... even though majority of the time i did not enjoy studying, i can't deny that i've learnt so, so, so many things that aren't mere facts, theories or arguments... things that translate into real life values and shape the way i view life, which is why education is so important
find it hard to be optimistic about moving into my next phase in life. it's scary and uncertain and i can't be sure that it's one of my life's 'ups' as of yet which makes me hesitant in a thousand and one ways. i think for awhile i'll still be trying to hold onto the emotions of uni life, especially of my last semester... i'll miss everyone so much, i can't believe how enjoyable school became, i wish i had this for all four years. yet like i said if four years of loneliness was to lead me to this one sem of great fun then i guess it was all worth it. for a long time i haven't felt this way about anyone besides Gus, the feeling of i don't want to lose you please can't we stay a little longer.. i mean i really like these people
find it hard to be optimistic about moving into my next phase in life. it's scary and uncertain and i can't be sure that it's one of my life's 'ups' as of yet which makes me hesitant in a thousand and one ways. i think for awhile i'll still be trying to hold onto the emotions of uni life, especially of my last semester... i'll miss everyone so much, i can't believe how enjoyable school became, i wish i had this for all four years. yet like i said if four years of loneliness was to lead me to this one sem of great fun then i guess it was all worth it. for a long time i haven't felt this way about anyone besides Gus, the feeling of i don't want to lose you please can't we stay a little longer.. i mean i really like these people
4.4.14
today i was thinking or at least asking myself, why do i constantly have to struggle between grasping or internalizing a lot of 'pretentious bullshit' that floats around and being that person who labels things 'pretentious bullshit'? or at the very least i wish i could decide for myself, some kind of foundation upon which i truly justify everything i like or not like...
in the prose below it says 'the difference is between what we love and what we say we love' and i can't stop thinking about how true that is and why does it matter so much
is it necessary for you to be the same person with every person you meet? can you not have multiple dimensions and have them all be you? sometimes i can't tell what i really love and it makes me feel like i'm immature and stupid
what does it mean that i enjoy poetry and string orchestras and writing emotional blog posts like these to feel better? sometimes i see that some people don't give a shit about this and get by fine. i like to imagine that the years i've spent somewhat investing in the tools for articulating my emotions, even the extremely vague, cloud-like ones, have given me some sort of release... Gus is something like what i'm trying to describe, never worries about things like his identity or about questioning the normative standards for human interaction... he just is. but sometimes i wonder if he lies awake at night feeling something uncomfortable in his chest that he just can't figure out. i think even if it did happen it doesn't happen to him that much. so much so that i envy him i guess.
sometimes i feel like i cannot take a lot of things that strike me about him for the truth -- he is very good at hiding things. even after 5 years i feel that it is difficult to navigate him, but for some reason he always manages to tell me what i'm feeling before i even open my mouth
i think sometimes in life you will get a false sense of growth and maturity but in actual fact the circumstances have just aligned so as to usher a 'smooth' period of living for you... in actual fact you simply have not faced another event that is the real judge of your growth. the consequence is that one day you will realize u haven't grown at all and that u are still as shitty as u were before, but that one day is the one day where u can start to climb higher... speaking from personal experience
wondering if i have to be embarrassed about shitty insecure opinions like this .. that's fucked up tho why do i have to be anything
also i just read that street line painters (painters who paint your road lanes and signs on the road) get paid 60k a year in the UK... insane
i get excited thinking about going back to europe sometimes
in the prose below it says 'the difference is between what we love and what we say we love' and i can't stop thinking about how true that is and why does it matter so much
is it necessary for you to be the same person with every person you meet? can you not have multiple dimensions and have them all be you? sometimes i can't tell what i really love and it makes me feel like i'm immature and stupid
what does it mean that i enjoy poetry and string orchestras and writing emotional blog posts like these to feel better? sometimes i see that some people don't give a shit about this and get by fine. i like to imagine that the years i've spent somewhat investing in the tools for articulating my emotions, even the extremely vague, cloud-like ones, have given me some sort of release... Gus is something like what i'm trying to describe, never worries about things like his identity or about questioning the normative standards for human interaction... he just is. but sometimes i wonder if he lies awake at night feeling something uncomfortable in his chest that he just can't figure out. i think even if it did happen it doesn't happen to him that much. so much so that i envy him i guess.
sometimes i feel like i cannot take a lot of things that strike me about him for the truth -- he is very good at hiding things. even after 5 years i feel that it is difficult to navigate him, but for some reason he always manages to tell me what i'm feeling before i even open my mouth
i think sometimes in life you will get a false sense of growth and maturity but in actual fact the circumstances have just aligned so as to usher a 'smooth' period of living for you... in actual fact you simply have not faced another event that is the real judge of your growth. the consequence is that one day you will realize u haven't grown at all and that u are still as shitty as u were before, but that one day is the one day where u can start to climb higher... speaking from personal experience
wondering if i have to be embarrassed about shitty insecure opinions like this .. that's fucked up tho why do i have to be anything
also i just read that street line painters (painters who paint your road lanes and signs on the road) get paid 60k a year in the UK... insane
i get excited thinking about going back to europe sometimes
"Ten Things I Need to Know"
Richard Jackson
The brightest stars are the first to explode. Also hearts. It is important to pay attention to love's high voltage signs. The mockingbird is really ashamed of its own feeble song lost beneath all those he has to imitate. It's true, the Carolina Wren caught in the bedroom yesterday died because he stepped on a glue trap and tore his wings off. Maybe we have both fallen through the soul's thin ice already. Even Ethiopia is splitting off from Africa to become its own continent. Last year it moved 10 feet. This will take a million years. There's always this nostalgia for the days when Time was so unreal it touched us only like the pale shadow of a hawk. Parmenedes transported himself above the beaten path of the stars to find the real that was beyond time. The words you left are still smoldering like the cigarette left in my ashtray as if it were a dying star. The thin thread of its smoke is caught on the ceiling. When love is threatened, the heart crackles with anger like kindling. It's lucky we are not like hippos who fling dung at each other with their ridiculously tiny tails. Okay, that's more than ten things I know. Let's try twenty five, no, let's not push it, twenty. How many times have we hurt each other not knowing? Destiny wears her clothes inside out. Each desire is a memory of the future. The past is a fake cloud we've pasted to a paper sky. That is why our dreams are the most real thing we possess. My logic here is made of your smells, your thighs, your kiss, your words. I collect stars but have no place to put them. You take my breath away only to give back a purer one. The way you dance creates a new constellation. Off the Thai coast they have discovered a new undersea world with sharks that walk on their fins. In Indonesia, a kangaroo that lives in a tree. Why is the shadow I cast always yours? Okay, let's say I list 33 things, a solid symbolic number. It's good to have a plan so we don't lose ourselves, but then who has taken the ladder out of the hole I've dug for myself? How can I revive the things I've killed inside you? The real is a sunset over a shanty by the river. The keys that lock the door also open it. When we shut out each other, nothing seems real except the empty caves of our hearts, yet how arrogant to think our problems finally matter when thousands of children are bayoneted in the Congo this year. How incredible to think of those soldiers never having loved. Nothing ever ends. Will this? Byron never knew where his epic, Don Juan, would end and died in the middle of it. The good thing about being dead is that you don't have to go through all that dying again. You just toast it. See, the real is what the imagination decants. You can be anywhere with the turn of a few words. Some say the feeling of out-of-the-body travel is due to certain short circuits in parts of the brain. That doesn't matter because I'm still drifting towards you. Inside you are cumulous clouds I could float on all night. The difference is always between what we say we love and what we love. Tonight, for instance, I could drink from the bowl of your belly. It doesn't matter if our feelings shift like sands beneath the river, there's still the river. Maybe the real is the way your palms fit against my face, or the way you hold my life inside you until it is nothing at all, the way this plant droops, this flower called Heart's Bursting Flower, with its beads of red hanging from their delicate threads any breeze might break, any word might shatter, any hurt might crush.
Richard Jackson
The brightest stars are the first to explode. Also hearts. It is important to pay attention to love's high voltage signs. The mockingbird is really ashamed of its own feeble song lost beneath all those he has to imitate. It's true, the Carolina Wren caught in the bedroom yesterday died because he stepped on a glue trap and tore his wings off. Maybe we have both fallen through the soul's thin ice already. Even Ethiopia is splitting off from Africa to become its own continent. Last year it moved 10 feet. This will take a million years. There's always this nostalgia for the days when Time was so unreal it touched us only like the pale shadow of a hawk. Parmenedes transported himself above the beaten path of the stars to find the real that was beyond time. The words you left are still smoldering like the cigarette left in my ashtray as if it were a dying star. The thin thread of its smoke is caught on the ceiling. When love is threatened, the heart crackles with anger like kindling. It's lucky we are not like hippos who fling dung at each other with their ridiculously tiny tails. Okay, that's more than ten things I know. Let's try twenty five, no, let's not push it, twenty. How many times have we hurt each other not knowing? Destiny wears her clothes inside out. Each desire is a memory of the future. The past is a fake cloud we've pasted to a paper sky. That is why our dreams are the most real thing we possess. My logic here is made of your smells, your thighs, your kiss, your words. I collect stars but have no place to put them. You take my breath away only to give back a purer one. The way you dance creates a new constellation. Off the Thai coast they have discovered a new undersea world with sharks that walk on their fins. In Indonesia, a kangaroo that lives in a tree. Why is the shadow I cast always yours? Okay, let's say I list 33 things, a solid symbolic number. It's good to have a plan so we don't lose ourselves, but then who has taken the ladder out of the hole I've dug for myself? How can I revive the things I've killed inside you? The real is a sunset over a shanty by the river. The keys that lock the door also open it. When we shut out each other, nothing seems real except the empty caves of our hearts, yet how arrogant to think our problems finally matter when thousands of children are bayoneted in the Congo this year. How incredible to think of those soldiers never having loved. Nothing ever ends. Will this? Byron never knew where his epic, Don Juan, would end and died in the middle of it. The good thing about being dead is that you don't have to go through all that dying again. You just toast it. See, the real is what the imagination decants. You can be anywhere with the turn of a few words. Some say the feeling of out-of-the-body travel is due to certain short circuits in parts of the brain. That doesn't matter because I'm still drifting towards you. Inside you are cumulous clouds I could float on all night. The difference is always between what we say we love and what we love. Tonight, for instance, I could drink from the bowl of your belly. It doesn't matter if our feelings shift like sands beneath the river, there's still the river. Maybe the real is the way your palms fit against my face, or the way you hold my life inside you until it is nothing at all, the way this plant droops, this flower called Heart's Bursting Flower, with its beads of red hanging from their delicate threads any breeze might break, any word might shatter, any hurt might crush.
28.2.14
this is the most unproductive recess week i've had in my four years of university
been doing yoga ~fairly~ regularly
after yoga i feel like i have a strong body that i'm starting to be more thankful for
can't wait for the day i can touch my toes with my knees locked
i don't even know what that feels like other than pain
always thinking about a lot of things but when i blog i forget everything
o rite
life is changing
great
literally i can't imagine what life will be like 1 year from now. i feel so afraid and so apprehensive about the future and if i could sum it up in one word, it is: helpless
but i guess i should be excited about things to come
i told gus once university ends and work starts i don't even understand what there is to look forward to
feel like the next thing that will excite me a lot is when i get pregnant maybe which is years away
in between then it just feels like i'm saving money for that moment, weird
gotta start forcing myself to feel happy with the present
feel happy with the people around me
feel happy with the things i can do with my brain and my body
grad trip plans altered drastically because of work
feel pretty sian about it but have adapted and come up with a different plan
my #1 priority for grad trip is to snowboard as much as i can
have been looking up year-round ski resorts and found that they are all located in europe
might make a trip back there just for snowboarding
can feel that my excitement to snowboard outweighs my apprehension at flight + cost + whatever
also want to get my own snowboard because i can't help but think that it might be my last proper snowboarding trip and i don't want to do it with some shitty ass rented board that has zero flexibility
also if i have my own board maybe in the future i will be reminded to use it and take trips and have fun instead of being weighed down and worried by work and life in general
something i actually really like doing is driving around with music i love at the moment playing really, really loud especially songs with super beats and bass
songs that perform exceptionally well in this situation are songs that make me feel like snoop dogg the most
god i really have nothing to talk about nowadays bye
been doing yoga ~fairly~ regularly
after yoga i feel like i have a strong body that i'm starting to be more thankful for
can't wait for the day i can touch my toes with my knees locked
i don't even know what that feels like other than pain
always thinking about a lot of things but when i blog i forget everything
o rite
life is changing
great
literally i can't imagine what life will be like 1 year from now. i feel so afraid and so apprehensive about the future and if i could sum it up in one word, it is: helpless
but i guess i should be excited about things to come
i told gus once university ends and work starts i don't even understand what there is to look forward to
feel like the next thing that will excite me a lot is when i get pregnant maybe which is years away
in between then it just feels like i'm saving money for that moment, weird
gotta start forcing myself to feel happy with the present
feel happy with the people around me
feel happy with the things i can do with my brain and my body
grad trip plans altered drastically because of work
feel pretty sian about it but have adapted and come up with a different plan
my #1 priority for grad trip is to snowboard as much as i can
have been looking up year-round ski resorts and found that they are all located in europe
might make a trip back there just for snowboarding
can feel that my excitement to snowboard outweighs my apprehension at flight + cost + whatever
also want to get my own snowboard because i can't help but think that it might be my last proper snowboarding trip and i don't want to do it with some shitty ass rented board that has zero flexibility
also if i have my own board maybe in the future i will be reminded to use it and take trips and have fun instead of being weighed down and worried by work and life in general
something i actually really like doing is driving around with music i love at the moment playing really, really loud especially songs with super beats and bass
songs that perform exceptionally well in this situation are songs that make me feel like snoop dogg the most
god i really have nothing to talk about nowadays bye
9.2.14
feel like blogging more today
(procrastination?)
i don't know
when i read my past blog posts i feel like i've written better things then
then i start to wonder is it because i was sad and lonely
i suppose to some extent it's true that when you feel happy and content
you don't necessarily feel that urge to sort of
explicitly articulate the very depths of what you're feeling
because you don't want to deconstruct happiness
you don't need to sort of rationalize your joy to make sense of it
you just feel it
gus is at a movie with my sister and my dad
i didn't go because i have a lot of work to do
yet here i am blogging
lol
i wonder who still reads this blog??? if any
i have a lot of work to do
so does the fact that i have nothing to blog about mean i'm happy?
wrt a previous post i wrote about having to consistently watch yourself and be vigilant ina rresting bad thoughts, and how tiring it was... i don't think i do that anymore, but i don't know if it's because i've stopped having bad thoughts, or because i've just let my guard down? there are certain traumatizing things that i still think about everyday which i wish would stop, but it certainly doesn't affect me as much anymore. but i notice that i've also stopped thinking certain things that i used to remind myself of all the time, self-affirming thoughts. is this because i've internalized these thoughts? or have i retreated to a state of forgetting that these are things i should do?
i hope i don't sound conceited when i say this
but i've come to appreciate myself for who i am a lot more now
i mean that i can look in a mirror and have more good thoughts than bad
or i can see myself in a photo that in the past i would've hated, and be ok with it now
i think
the picture in the post below this -- i would've never posted it before
but now i'm ok with it. i actually think i look nice
i think it's ok to think that
probably it's sad that it took 22 years to reach this state of semi-acceptance
i just thought to myself 'i like myself more now but i wonder if other people do?'
but these are the thoughts that you have to kill
i felt a moment of fleeting liberation when i subsequently thought 'who cares? only you should care'
(procrastination?)
i don't know
when i read my past blog posts i feel like i've written better things then
then i start to wonder is it because i was sad and lonely
i suppose to some extent it's true that when you feel happy and content
you don't necessarily feel that urge to sort of
explicitly articulate the very depths of what you're feeling
because you don't want to deconstruct happiness
you don't need to sort of rationalize your joy to make sense of it
you just feel it
gus is at a movie with my sister and my dad
i didn't go because i have a lot of work to do
yet here i am blogging
lol
i wonder who still reads this blog??? if any
i have a lot of work to do
so does the fact that i have nothing to blog about mean i'm happy?
wrt a previous post i wrote about having to consistently watch yourself and be vigilant ina rresting bad thoughts, and how tiring it was... i don't think i do that anymore, but i don't know if it's because i've stopped having bad thoughts, or because i've just let my guard down? there are certain traumatizing things that i still think about everyday which i wish would stop, but it certainly doesn't affect me as much anymore. but i notice that i've also stopped thinking certain things that i used to remind myself of all the time, self-affirming thoughts. is this because i've internalized these thoughts? or have i retreated to a state of forgetting that these are things i should do?
i hope i don't sound conceited when i say this
but i've come to appreciate myself for who i am a lot more now
i mean that i can look in a mirror and have more good thoughts than bad
or i can see myself in a photo that in the past i would've hated, and be ok with it now
i think
the picture in the post below this -- i would've never posted it before
but now i'm ok with it. i actually think i look nice
i think it's ok to think that
probably it's sad that it took 22 years to reach this state of semi-acceptance
i just thought to myself 'i like myself more now but i wonder if other people do?'
but these are the thoughts that you have to kill
i felt a moment of fleeting liberation when i subsequently thought 'who cares? only you should care'
hi i'm sitting in gus's room doing my presentation for european foreign policy due on tuesday morning at 9am and it's just getting harder and harder to keep reading and focus and abstract out all these crazy ideas... wondering what is the point sometimes, although i did promise myself, in my last sem, let's see something that is perhaps something i can proudly say 'yeah i did my best' ha ha weird i can't say that about much else
anyways things have been hectic but for some reason i can still play flappy bird and shotzombie for 3 hours straight??? is my head screwed on right??? still, got a compliment from work that i've been doing well for that, so that's good. otherwise i've just been having lots of fun in school which is a reality that i would never have imagined even a year ago, i think. went out for drinks on friday with people from school and that was really, really fun. i'm glad we did that.
this morning we went out to eat fei fei wanton mee and it was so good tbh i'm thinking about having it for dinner
something else is that i feel like i can't even go out and have fun consistently anymore, in the way that is 'cool' or 'hip' i.e. at hte club or at the bar or at wherever. after one night out i get tired at 2am and want to go home, and then spend the next 2-3 days recovering. i'm only 22 though so why is this happening. sometimes the idea of doing what i did over the past 3 years wrt clubbing especially seems so draining nowadays, like i'd much prefer to stay at home and play cards or something. drinking is still alright i think, it's just to loosen inhibitions and to get to know people in a less awkward way. but clubbing seems weird when i think about it now, or the way i've always been doing it, sitting around drinking but not being able to talk because of the loud music... talking is so important tbh i think people don't realize that. real talking one to one stuff
nathan weizhen hanson and i went out for dinner after environmental politics last tuesday, and sitting in a hawker centre, talking about religion and God... it felt really good and i really enjoyed myself. i think what i enjoy a lot about these people is that there's definitely the moments of tummy-clutching laughter and nonsense but there's also definitely the feeling that no matter what i talk about, someone is likely to identify with me. the fact that we are all at this juncture in our lives together i feel indicates that we've forged something of a common past
i guess i feel thankful and grateful (almost typed greatful) and i should get back to work
27.1.14
I guess I should blog now before everything gets so overwhelming there's not enough time for anything... although I somehow always manage to find time to take three hour naps?
This semester of school, my last semester, has somehow become the worst semester there is. The workload is so unprecedentedly heavy, presentations all the time, essays, response papers, critiques... I can hardly keep up. On top of all that doing weekly readings is really no joke. The only thing keeping me sane are the people in school who are there to go through this shit with me I guess. Thank God for them, or else I'd be so tempted to do an LOA and come back next semester with Gus.
Speaking of which Gus has been working late most days and I've decided that I don't like, neither am I ready for working life. It seems like observations I've made here and there of how seemingly insignificant things change permanently once you start working have put me off for good. My relationship with Gus is one thing, which is not only that the amount of time he spends in the office equates to less time with me, but that he gets so tired that our time together feels even less. I feel like because he's so tired from work, he has no energy to put into being happy and excited to see me, which is completely understandable, and if I were in his place, I would be the same as well. It just pains me to know that this is what life is supposed to be -- an endless cycle of making money that you have no time or energy to properly enjoy. Neither is life about just spending money, of course, but if you don't even have the luxury to do it -- what is the point then? In fact, I can't even imagine living that kind of life. I feel like what would make me happy is a life that does not yet exist.
Which brings me to another point, which is that I feel my relationship with money is changing as well. It's something I've never really considered. I always thought that I had a decent grasp of the role I wanted money to play in my life. Something that was essential but not domineering. I never wanted money to be the pure motivation for anything, at least nothing that asks for a considerable amount of myself. But since Gus started working and while doing my part time internship, I can't help but wonder how much power money is eventually going to have on me when I find out I can/can't find a job, knowing how much housing and cars cost, feeling frustrated that I can't be happy with 9-5 jobs sitting in an office. In a sense, I find it difficult to search for motivation other than money in our society, where basically -- everything is about money. Even if I were to do something I loved, we still need to meet basic needs. Gus told me that he doesn't like working late and being so tired (who does?) but it's something he knows he has to do to provide for his family. And I think that's such a regular and typical paradox you hear from men and women, who sacrifice their families in order to protect them.
I don't know but dipping our toes into the working world is making me question so many things in my life, how these things are going to change. Call me cynical but at the moment the future seems kind of bleak. I'm trying to change my view but I think the problem is that everybody who is already out there already feeds us this impression. Sometimes it seems impossible to think any other way.
Still, it's important to remember and enjoy the things in life that aren't subsumed into some grey, colorless horizon. And many things to give thanks for. Because Gus is so busy at work, the time we do get together becomes so much more precious. It feels as if the tiny things, being demanding about specific things or lazy things becomes so insignificant because you need the good times to start now before you don't get the chance anymore. Also, because I can't spend that much time with Gus anymore, I suppose I've spent a lot of time on my own or with friends, just learning to be. Even though school feels so unmanageable, I laugh till my stomach hurts at least once in every single class, I make new friends every week... makes me really upset that this took four years to come about. Meeting up with old friends for coffee, dinner.
That's another thing I want to remember, which is to make time for the people that matter. Recently I've felt so disengaged from my family. I don't like to talk to my parents about what's going on in my life. I don't even tell them when I have interviews to go for. I don't know why. I feel like an annoyed teenager at meals, like I should have felt this 8 years ago but I'm feeling it now. I suppose I'm glad it comes now since I'm older and more capable of knowing how to handle these emotions, and also to know that they're not worth acting on because family is important, especially my parents. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I think it will. But I tell myself that in the meantime I still have to make time for them and if I don't, I'll regret it.
Otherwise, I guess one thing that really failed to get off the ground is exercising!!! I don't know what my problem is but I just can't seem to get my ass off the bed. The only thing I've done this month is play tennis. Some days I feel good about my body, other days I don't. To some extent I think I'm having more days where I feel like I need to exercise because I'm deathly unfit, versus feeling like I need to exercise because I'm fat or need to slim down or something. So I feel more like playing tennis than running on the treadmill or doing squats that target my ass. I think that's healthy?
I guess I've been writing so much for work and for school, I forgot how cathartic writing for myself is. Some days I can write and write non stop to the point where I get bored of reading what I write but I still can't stop. I think people are mistaken when they think that you enjoying a certain skill or possessing it means that you will love a job that incorporates it as a primary function. On the contrary I find that what is likely to happen is that you add to what you love the labours of office fatigue, politics, deadlines, stress, authority issues -- it becomes something you hate if you're not in full control of what you wield your skills for. But on the other hand, you're told if you don't work doing something you love, you're not likely to be so good at it. So how?
I feel like going overseas soon, living overseas I mean. I wish I had my own apartment somewhere else, somewhere with less heat and less humidity. This doesn't mean Singapore isn't my home, because it is, and I will always come back here, but sometimes you need to escape a little. (I find that anyone who says un-patriotic things and makes stupid claims like 'I don't want to be a Singaporean anymore' without any valid reason (e.g. political exile, can't get married, etc), and merely on the basis of 'disillusionment with the Singaporean society' needs to STFU and give thanks that they even have a home. We take nationality as what is entitled to us, but we never realize that it is a privilege more than anything. And a Singaporean nationality, no less, is a great privilege.) I feel like France wasn't exactly the experience I wanted... it's something else and I'm not sure what it is. That sense of temporary displacement.
I think I know my youth is leaving and I'm desperate to capture whatever's left of it, whatever that means. I know you can always remain young at heart, and I hope I do, but I can't help but feel like time is running out. Quarter life crisis, ha ha, it sounded so stupid at first but now I can understand.
(Another thing I've been doing is experiencing a disconnect between my mind and my hands when I type. Just now when I wanted to type 'but now I can understand' I wrote 'but I know I can understand' and didn't even realize until 10 seconds later. It concerns me a little because 1) it isn't a typo and 2) doesn't feel like something freudian. One thing I think about sometimes is if I have a neurological problem somewhere. I told Gus the other day it amazes me how long I take to register and process certain things in social interactions, like someone handing me something to hold.)
I think my blog posts always come to an abrupt end. Oh well. Might as well keep up the tradition!
This semester of school, my last semester, has somehow become the worst semester there is. The workload is so unprecedentedly heavy, presentations all the time, essays, response papers, critiques... I can hardly keep up. On top of all that doing weekly readings is really no joke. The only thing keeping me sane are the people in school who are there to go through this shit with me I guess. Thank God for them, or else I'd be so tempted to do an LOA and come back next semester with Gus.
Speaking of which Gus has been working late most days and I've decided that I don't like, neither am I ready for working life. It seems like observations I've made here and there of how seemingly insignificant things change permanently once you start working have put me off for good. My relationship with Gus is one thing, which is not only that the amount of time he spends in the office equates to less time with me, but that he gets so tired that our time together feels even less. I feel like because he's so tired from work, he has no energy to put into being happy and excited to see me, which is completely understandable, and if I were in his place, I would be the same as well. It just pains me to know that this is what life is supposed to be -- an endless cycle of making money that you have no time or energy to properly enjoy. Neither is life about just spending money, of course, but if you don't even have the luxury to do it -- what is the point then? In fact, I can't even imagine living that kind of life. I feel like what would make me happy is a life that does not yet exist.
Which brings me to another point, which is that I feel my relationship with money is changing as well. It's something I've never really considered. I always thought that I had a decent grasp of the role I wanted money to play in my life. Something that was essential but not domineering. I never wanted money to be the pure motivation for anything, at least nothing that asks for a considerable amount of myself. But since Gus started working and while doing my part time internship, I can't help but wonder how much power money is eventually going to have on me when I find out I can/can't find a job, knowing how much housing and cars cost, feeling frustrated that I can't be happy with 9-5 jobs sitting in an office. In a sense, I find it difficult to search for motivation other than money in our society, where basically -- everything is about money. Even if I were to do something I loved, we still need to meet basic needs. Gus told me that he doesn't like working late and being so tired (who does?) but it's something he knows he has to do to provide for his family. And I think that's such a regular and typical paradox you hear from men and women, who sacrifice their families in order to protect them.
I don't know but dipping our toes into the working world is making me question so many things in my life, how these things are going to change. Call me cynical but at the moment the future seems kind of bleak. I'm trying to change my view but I think the problem is that everybody who is already out there already feeds us this impression. Sometimes it seems impossible to think any other way.
Still, it's important to remember and enjoy the things in life that aren't subsumed into some grey, colorless horizon. And many things to give thanks for. Because Gus is so busy at work, the time we do get together becomes so much more precious. It feels as if the tiny things, being demanding about specific things or lazy things becomes so insignificant because you need the good times to start now before you don't get the chance anymore. Also, because I can't spend that much time with Gus anymore, I suppose I've spent a lot of time on my own or with friends, just learning to be. Even though school feels so unmanageable, I laugh till my stomach hurts at least once in every single class, I make new friends every week... makes me really upset that this took four years to come about. Meeting up with old friends for coffee, dinner.
That's another thing I want to remember, which is to make time for the people that matter. Recently I've felt so disengaged from my family. I don't like to talk to my parents about what's going on in my life. I don't even tell them when I have interviews to go for. I don't know why. I feel like an annoyed teenager at meals, like I should have felt this 8 years ago but I'm feeling it now. I suppose I'm glad it comes now since I'm older and more capable of knowing how to handle these emotions, and also to know that they're not worth acting on because family is important, especially my parents. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I think it will. But I tell myself that in the meantime I still have to make time for them and if I don't, I'll regret it.
Otherwise, I guess one thing that really failed to get off the ground is exercising!!! I don't know what my problem is but I just can't seem to get my ass off the bed. The only thing I've done this month is play tennis. Some days I feel good about my body, other days I don't. To some extent I think I'm having more days where I feel like I need to exercise because I'm deathly unfit, versus feeling like I need to exercise because I'm fat or need to slim down or something. So I feel more like playing tennis than running on the treadmill or doing squats that target my ass. I think that's healthy?
I guess I've been writing so much for work and for school, I forgot how cathartic writing for myself is. Some days I can write and write non stop to the point where I get bored of reading what I write but I still can't stop. I think people are mistaken when they think that you enjoying a certain skill or possessing it means that you will love a job that incorporates it as a primary function. On the contrary I find that what is likely to happen is that you add to what you love the labours of office fatigue, politics, deadlines, stress, authority issues -- it becomes something you hate if you're not in full control of what you wield your skills for. But on the other hand, you're told if you don't work doing something you love, you're not likely to be so good at it. So how?
I feel like going overseas soon, living overseas I mean. I wish I had my own apartment somewhere else, somewhere with less heat and less humidity. This doesn't mean Singapore isn't my home, because it is, and I will always come back here, but sometimes you need to escape a little. (I find that anyone who says un-patriotic things and makes stupid claims like 'I don't want to be a Singaporean anymore' without any valid reason (e.g. political exile, can't get married, etc), and merely on the basis of 'disillusionment with the Singaporean society' needs to STFU and give thanks that they even have a home. We take nationality as what is entitled to us, but we never realize that it is a privilege more than anything. And a Singaporean nationality, no less, is a great privilege.) I feel like France wasn't exactly the experience I wanted... it's something else and I'm not sure what it is. That sense of temporary displacement.
I think I know my youth is leaving and I'm desperate to capture whatever's left of it, whatever that means. I know you can always remain young at heart, and I hope I do, but I can't help but feel like time is running out. Quarter life crisis, ha ha, it sounded so stupid at first but now I can understand.
(Another thing I've been doing is experiencing a disconnect between my mind and my hands when I type. Just now when I wanted to type 'but now I can understand' I wrote 'but I know I can understand' and didn't even realize until 10 seconds later. It concerns me a little because 1) it isn't a typo and 2) doesn't feel like something freudian. One thing I think about sometimes is if I have a neurological problem somewhere. I told Gus the other day it amazes me how long I take to register and process certain things in social interactions, like someone handing me something to hold.)
I think my blog posts always come to an abrupt end. Oh well. Might as well keep up the tradition!
6.1.14
all the things i shouldn't have forgotten
forgot to talk about all the things that happened in december. for posterity's sake.
hung out with this bunch before leaving for shanghai with the family. pics from all our last few meetings. extremely happy that all of us got to know each other and that next semester won't be so lonely anymore. i only wish we made our acquaintances sooner! but still, i'm grateful that at commencement there'll be people to take pictures with haha. first outing, drinks at emerald hill. then jumping around at amped.
counted down to new years on noreen's roof. drank, shouted, laughed... people got drunk. it was really fun. twas a great way to ring in the new year, am looking forward to a great 2014 with everyone above :)
and lastly a narcissistic photo of myself once we came back home. seoul withdrawals, impending commencement of work... all this shit has begun. it's 10.30pm and Gus is still at work. don't really enjoy this life. wish we could do something that would let us stay the way we were. wish we didn't need money at all. been struggling to get up every morning for work... struggling to come up with ideas that are useful and relevant. nevertheless i'm grateful for the opportunity. everyone at work has been really nice to me and really helpful.
ok bye
hung out with this bunch before leaving for shanghai with the family. pics from all our last few meetings. extremely happy that all of us got to know each other and that next semester won't be so lonely anymore. i only wish we made our acquaintances sooner! but still, i'm grateful that at commencement there'll be people to take pictures with haha. first outing, drinks at emerald hill. then jumping around at amped.
counted down to new years on noreen's roof. drank, shouted, laughed... people got drunk. it was really fun. twas a great way to ring in the new year, am looking forward to a great 2014 with everyone above :)
pics from shanghai and korea. all i know is we were so excited to get to korea that everything in shanghai slips my mind. thankfully i found this picture of shanghai's skyline along the bund. to be fair i went to shanghai with a very confused mindset of what china was and is (it's my first time there) and i'm glad to say that i was pleasantly surprised by shanghai. i know its the most modern chinese city, and i can't say for sure what i expected to see, but it was really lovely, even just walking along the roads, listening to buskers play the guitar, admiring the driving skills of shanghai's cabbies... i'd come back i think.
my birthday (17th) morning was celebrated on the night of the 16th. Gus had run out to buy me a bouquet of flowers and i'm so upset i didn't get to keep them because we had a flight to catch. my parents rang up a bottle of champagne and wine and a cake from the hotel concierge and i made my sister drink so much that she puked a disgusting amount of wine-laced puke. i felt bad so i blow dried her hair after she showered. i'm always overseas on my birthday. i wonder what it'd be like to celebrate in singapore?
by the night of the 17th we were in Seoul!!! idk we were just looking forward to it so much. had an awesome kbbq dinner for awesome prices relative to korean restaurants in singapore of course. stuffed myself full of chadol baegi. downed 2 soju bombs with Gus and my brother and Karina. went off to noraebang at night which was really fun as well. singing gets so incredibly tiring. you don't even think singers get tired from singing do you? it doesn't occur to you but i guess anyone who's been to ktv will know haha. insane. ended my night dancing and singing to big bang's 'bad boy' in korea haha pretty awesome stuff tbh
we also went snowboarding at yang-ji resort which was only an hour or so outside of seoul. SO FUN. i miss snowboarding the most. reminds me of boarding in France one year ago. finally started to carve nicely! sad we only had so little time there. nowadays all i think about when i'm bored is snowboarding. i want to plan a ski trip in july to new zealand or one of the australian ski resorts. before i die i have to make it to the whistler mountains in canada to snowboard. def one my favourite sports!
and lastly a narcissistic photo of myself once we came back home. seoul withdrawals, impending commencement of work... all this shit has begun. it's 10.30pm and Gus is still at work. don't really enjoy this life. wish we could do something that would let us stay the way we were. wish we didn't need money at all. been struggling to get up every morning for work... struggling to come up with ideas that are useful and relevant. nevertheless i'm grateful for the opportunity. everyone at work has been really nice to me and really helpful.
ok bye
30.12.13
feels odd i haven't been writing a lot at all but will commence a job tomorrow that involves a lot of writing, albeit about things that i'm hardly an expert in but i feel like i want to do my best, honestly, for myself, just to see what i am capable of. i can never feel like this in school, sometimes i feel like school is so impossibly hard, and it's so impossible to achieve anything in school that i can be proud of. even though looking back i recognize that is a bad attitude to have, i'm glad that this job makes me feel confident, and excited, and capable... i don't really remember the last time i've felt this way. if it goes well hopefully some of this good feeling translates to the new school semester
gus starts work as well. for 6 months. after which he goes back to school and i start work for good. feel like this is an important milestone. today, actually. the moment we both go to work the wheels won't stop turning until forever. feeling uneasy about the way we've sort of sidled up to the Monday without really acknowledging what it all means. am unsure if we've been avoiding it or it just doesn't seem like a big deal. i hope it's the latter. am going to call gus soon to talk about this i think.
tomorrow is new years eve and then it will be new years day and it will be 2014. what i've resolved without writing down but has become ever more concrete in my mind because of the idea of 'work' and a 'job', like ok this is the time to get my shit together
- drink more water
- exercise more
- sleep earlier, wake up earlier, also sleep less
- moisturize haha
- talk less shit about people
- work harder in everything
- make time for myself
- make time for the people who matter
- cook more
- less procrastination
i met rachel the other day and we ate ramen and talked about many things. i don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, but when a certain topic weighs heavily on your mind, it keeps coming randomly in conversations without any prompting from you? seems strange to me, it always happens. anyway, tammy told me the other day about this book called 'quiet' by susan cain, which explores the power of introverts in a world where extroversion is the ideal. i picked it up today and in the first few pages i felt so strongly what she was writing about, how much i feel the pressure to be happy all the time, to be able to speak up and hold a memorable conversation, to use body language to convey a sense of power and dominance, when in all honesty what i want to do is lie in bed and read a book, scroll through humour blogs on tumblr, drink ice milo with just 2 or 3 people and talk about non-awkward things... yet everyday i try to convince myself that i am this crazy, happy, outgoing sort of person who is capable of making a million friends and being liked by everyone. it made me feel really sad and really fake. i haven't come to the end of the book, but i have a pessimistic outlook on this. i know the pressures of the world will continue to force me down this energy-draining path.
but anyway, i met rachel, and i like it when we meet and talk about books, we always somehow happen to pick up and read the same books. it happened with:
a tale for the time being
taipei
mr penumbra's 24 hour bookstore
given that we meet very rarely because she's in the UK most of the time and i'm here, i feel warm and happy inside knowing that we have the same tastes and have things to talk about that don't drain me. i also sort of feel glad that we don't run in the same social circles, in the sense that the people who irk me and i always feel like bitching about it wouldn't know her and she wouldn't know them. so i don't bitch and the gossip is limited and it just paves the way to better conversation i think, that's what i like
(what i was saying about the things u think about randomly appearing: tammy told me about the book, it came up in conversation with rachel, came up again today during dinner at jamie's)
i think it's time to sleep
gus starts work as well. for 6 months. after which he goes back to school and i start work for good. feel like this is an important milestone. today, actually. the moment we both go to work the wheels won't stop turning until forever. feeling uneasy about the way we've sort of sidled up to the Monday without really acknowledging what it all means. am unsure if we've been avoiding it or it just doesn't seem like a big deal. i hope it's the latter. am going to call gus soon to talk about this i think.
tomorrow is new years eve and then it will be new years day and it will be 2014. what i've resolved without writing down but has become ever more concrete in my mind because of the idea of 'work' and a 'job', like ok this is the time to get my shit together
- drink more water
- exercise more
- sleep earlier, wake up earlier, also sleep less
- moisturize haha
- talk less shit about people
- work harder in everything
- make time for myself
- make time for the people who matter
- cook more
- less procrastination
i met rachel the other day and we ate ramen and talked about many things. i don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, but when a certain topic weighs heavily on your mind, it keeps coming randomly in conversations without any prompting from you? seems strange to me, it always happens. anyway, tammy told me the other day about this book called 'quiet' by susan cain, which explores the power of introverts in a world where extroversion is the ideal. i picked it up today and in the first few pages i felt so strongly what she was writing about, how much i feel the pressure to be happy all the time, to be able to speak up and hold a memorable conversation, to use body language to convey a sense of power and dominance, when in all honesty what i want to do is lie in bed and read a book, scroll through humour blogs on tumblr, drink ice milo with just 2 or 3 people and talk about non-awkward things... yet everyday i try to convince myself that i am this crazy, happy, outgoing sort of person who is capable of making a million friends and being liked by everyone. it made me feel really sad and really fake. i haven't come to the end of the book, but i have a pessimistic outlook on this. i know the pressures of the world will continue to force me down this energy-draining path.
but anyway, i met rachel, and i like it when we meet and talk about books, we always somehow happen to pick up and read the same books. it happened with:
a tale for the time being
taipei
mr penumbra's 24 hour bookstore
given that we meet very rarely because she's in the UK most of the time and i'm here, i feel warm and happy inside knowing that we have the same tastes and have things to talk about that don't drain me. i also sort of feel glad that we don't run in the same social circles, in the sense that the people who irk me and i always feel like bitching about it wouldn't know her and she wouldn't know them. so i don't bitch and the gossip is limited and it just paves the way to better conversation i think, that's what i like
(what i was saying about the things u think about randomly appearing: tammy told me about the book, it came up in conversation with rachel, came up again today during dinner at jamie's)
i think it's time to sleep
23.12.13
back from shanghai and seoul my mind is just buzzing with so many things good and bad, but mostly bad. it's like the moment you reach home you breach the border where all the bad, stressful, unnecessary things have been straining to reach you. suddenly everything goes wrong. i hate it so much, having to deal with shit i don't want to deal with, things i feel make no progress or growth to the personal development of anyone involved. feels like this shit involves just closing the door to a circular pathway, in that i will inevitably have to open the door to this same shit again in a few months, a few years, idk. i've been pondering if perhaps some things are meant to exist in a constant state of misalignment, never to be fixed. i wonder if you aren't meant to fix them, if they're meant to just be a constant thorn in your side for god knows what reason. if this fucking suffering is supposed to be normalized, and that i'm just putting too much worry and too much stress into something that should just be considered normal. when i look at the situation there are so many people to blame, who should shoulder the actual blame, but for some reason i end up feeling guilty because i'm so helpless in my ability to do anything about it.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK
12.12.13
"The Hungarian-born philosopher Aurel Kolnai gave the horrifying qualities of bugs some serious thought. Kolnai ultimately decided that what upsets us is “their pullulating squirming, their cohesion into a homogeneous teeming mass” and their “interminable, directionless sprouting and breeding.” That is, it’s the quantity of crazy ants that’s so destabilizing. As the American psychologist James Hillman argued, an endless swarm of bugs flattens your perception of yourself as precious and meaningful. It instantly reduces your individual consciousness to a “merely numerical or statistical level.”
This is what’s soul-crushing about crazy ants: What wafts off them is the same faintly nihilistic feeling that comes the moment you realize hammering the pound sign won’t connect you with a human being and only funnels you back to the same automated instructions. It’s what drove Mike the Hog-a-Nator to grab an assault rifle. And it’s also, apparently, the feeling Tom Rasberry has been left with, having watched his alarm about these creatures be sucked up into an unintelligibly massive system forced to juggle lots of other, equally terrible problems, and then quietly disperse into the goop.
Insects, Kolnai wrote, unsettle us, existentially speaking, because they “arouse generally the impression of life caught up in a senseless, formless surging."
- via The New York Times
- via The New York Times
2.12.13
lately i have felt an exhaustion in my body like no other time in my life
have googled 'chronic fatigue syndrome' on webmd like other paranoid freaks
am afraid that this is what i have because it is essentially untreatable
have been thinking a lot lately about how much your body can betray you
it is everything that is you on earth, that sustains your own perceived sense of living
and how others perceive you as living
the litmus test of a life on earth is a body part moving at the will of an autonomous mind
the only thing you can control
but the only thing you also can't
if you think about it your body is your biggest responsibility
you have just this one thing to take care of tbh
i keep thinking how shitty my physical body is might be related to my emotional health
hormones and whatnot
still i have a fear that there are cancer cells in my stomach
or a tumor pressing on a nerve in my brain
it's weird but i feel like these arbitrary catastrophes happen all the time,
it might as well be me
was watching a movie in bed with gus, and he fell asleep, and i saw him fall asleep halfway through the movie and i paused it, and he opened his sleepy eyes and insisted on continuing because he wanted to watch it. pressed play and he was asleep in 10 seconds. looked at him snuggled up under the covers and felt reminded that we, us, we have something special that exists right now that has broken down the barriers of two strangers to the point where i feel myself breathe a sigh of relief, physically relax when i am with him. i think it's sad that i cannot say for sure where we will be in a few years. but i suppose this uncertainty only compels me to appreciate even more whatever special thing we have together now.
recently i have been thinking about a few things, like exercising, taking dance classes, cooking... the other night i cooked lasagna and potato salad for dinner because i did not do anything for gus on his birthday (circumstances). at the moment i felt disappointed that i put too much mayo in the salad, annoyed that the top layer of cheese browned too much and the sides were too crispy. but when i think about it now i think i should give myself more credit and cut myself more slack. for someone who has cooked a grand total of less than 8 times in my entire life i think i did a decent job. as long as nobody went to the hospital i think i have things to be proud of. process > destination
another thing i have been thinking lately is that to progress as a person is a tiring thing. you have to constantly be thinking about thought processes or actions that you can take to better your life or make it worse. actions are far more controllable than thoughts, but the moment you rein your thoughts in, i think you begin to make significant differences. the difficulty is that thoughts come at hte speed of light, and you're usually caught off guard. thus, you have to be vigilant in protecting yourself from certain thoughts. i feel like you literally have to be constantly observing your mind from as objective a perspective as you can get, and arresting bad thoughts the moment they arrive. some thoughts you can't catch in time and you can actually notice the marks they've left behind in their wake.
what i mean is it's scary to let your thoughts run wild. imagination is a good thing but not when it dives into the realms of what hurts us most. i feel interested in how our parents have shaped our mental health, but also feel a little scared at what i'll find. i can't stand the idea of putting my parents at fault for anything ever.
apparently actions done consistently for 7 days become a habit. you can't hit a perfect 7 days with thoughts, it's such a long process. constant reminders, constant checking yourself. it's not easy, but i also feel like i have never been faced with such a task before. i've never felt the need to check my thoughts, use pure willpower to push through emotional pain. it's a funny feeling -- using your mind to conquer the doubts & fears produced by the same brain. just goes to show how everything is in your mind really.
have googled 'chronic fatigue syndrome' on webmd like other paranoid freaks
am afraid that this is what i have because it is essentially untreatable
have been thinking a lot lately about how much your body can betray you
it is everything that is you on earth, that sustains your own perceived sense of living
and how others perceive you as living
the litmus test of a life on earth is a body part moving at the will of an autonomous mind
the only thing you can control
but the only thing you also can't
if you think about it your body is your biggest responsibility
you have just this one thing to take care of tbh
i keep thinking how shitty my physical body is might be related to my emotional health
hormones and whatnot
still i have a fear that there are cancer cells in my stomach
or a tumor pressing on a nerve in my brain
it's weird but i feel like these arbitrary catastrophes happen all the time,
it might as well be me
was watching a movie in bed with gus, and he fell asleep, and i saw him fall asleep halfway through the movie and i paused it, and he opened his sleepy eyes and insisted on continuing because he wanted to watch it. pressed play and he was asleep in 10 seconds. looked at him snuggled up under the covers and felt reminded that we, us, we have something special that exists right now that has broken down the barriers of two strangers to the point where i feel myself breathe a sigh of relief, physically relax when i am with him. i think it's sad that i cannot say for sure where we will be in a few years. but i suppose this uncertainty only compels me to appreciate even more whatever special thing we have together now.
recently i have been thinking about a few things, like exercising, taking dance classes, cooking... the other night i cooked lasagna and potato salad for dinner because i did not do anything for gus on his birthday (circumstances). at the moment i felt disappointed that i put too much mayo in the salad, annoyed that the top layer of cheese browned too much and the sides were too crispy. but when i think about it now i think i should give myself more credit and cut myself more slack. for someone who has cooked a grand total of less than 8 times in my entire life i think i did a decent job. as long as nobody went to the hospital i think i have things to be proud of. process > destination
another thing i have been thinking lately is that to progress as a person is a tiring thing. you have to constantly be thinking about thought processes or actions that you can take to better your life or make it worse. actions are far more controllable than thoughts, but the moment you rein your thoughts in, i think you begin to make significant differences. the difficulty is that thoughts come at hte speed of light, and you're usually caught off guard. thus, you have to be vigilant in protecting yourself from certain thoughts. i feel like you literally have to be constantly observing your mind from as objective a perspective as you can get, and arresting bad thoughts the moment they arrive. some thoughts you can't catch in time and you can actually notice the marks they've left behind in their wake.
what i mean is it's scary to let your thoughts run wild. imagination is a good thing but not when it dives into the realms of what hurts us most. i feel interested in how our parents have shaped our mental health, but also feel a little scared at what i'll find. i can't stand the idea of putting my parents at fault for anything ever.
apparently actions done consistently for 7 days become a habit. you can't hit a perfect 7 days with thoughts, it's such a long process. constant reminders, constant checking yourself. it's not easy, but i also feel like i have never been faced with such a task before. i've never felt the need to check my thoughts, use pure willpower to push through emotional pain. it's a funny feeling -- using your mind to conquer the doubts & fears produced by the same brain. just goes to show how everything is in your mind really.
14.11.13
Feeling drained today because I started doing my applications. Felt ridiculous but at the same time felt like it was a rite of passage... Don't feel particularly excited for anything I've applied for. I constantly feel upset that I haven't found that one thing in life I'm desperate to do.
If you want to feel like a failure just start searching for a job.
Still, end of the night, comfy in bed, Gus' arms around me as he snores lightly. Things could be a lot worse I suppose.
If you want to feel like a failure just start searching for a job.
Still, end of the night, comfy in bed, Gus' arms around me as he snores lightly. Things could be a lot worse I suppose.
3.11.13
Haven't felt the urge to blog at all recently, or to write down anything important to me, really. It isn't even that I'm busy with school, I just don't even remember or feel the urge. In the past I would always feel like writing. Nowadays I just don't care. I wonder why that is? I only decided to write things down now because I read someone else's blog that reminded about how cathartic writing can be sometimes.
It's so difficult to explain what I'm feeling also because it's so difficult to justify. It's unreasonable to some extent, which makes me feel ashamed for feeling it. But again, this is something I read awhile ago but has always stuck with me: you can't apologize for how you feel. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. You can only control how you choose to act on those feelings. And what I feel is: disappointment. I feel that I've trusted myself and pushed myself hard enough to get past certain things in life that I know for a fact are not worth harping on or clinging onto or giving in to. And at times I've felt like I've truly succeeded, and that I've really made progress. And then at other times I feel like I've taken two steps back instead. It gets so confusing. I can't explain it. When I feel like I've taken two steps back, I feel that exact same pull, the exact same gravity that's always dragged me into the void, like the light I've worked so hard to crawl towards is just shrinking away from me.
On the other hand I am having more fun in school. On Friday we sat in the Honours room and someone said, do you feel like we all only made friends in year 4? And it felt good that other people felt the way I did, that the first 3 years of university was pointless but making friends now, if it all lead to this point, I suppose it could be worth it. It feels like I've been waiting for this for a long time as well, that for so long I've been telling God that I'm ready for whatever this is, this static, unmoving piece of life I'm living, to be over and done with, and that the time is finally coming. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I'm glad that this year's honours cohort seems to be quite close and friendly and generally fun people.
I just thought about things I always try to avoid instead of facing. I never really realized that I was the type of person to run away I think mostly because I never had things to run away from. I can't help feeling like you're being forced to grow up all the time. I can't imagine children who lose their parents and are forced to grow up overnight to care for their siblings. Often I get stuck pitying myself and all the shit I go through when it's honestly nothing compared to others. When I think about last night, that's what I think.
Also, been hearing of a lot of people passing away. People my age. It feels surreal. I wonder if to some extent I'm trying to desensitize myself to all this news. Almost to the point where if I start thinking about it I automatically start thinking about something else. It's weird.
I don't even know how to blog anymore.
It's so difficult to explain what I'm feeling also because it's so difficult to justify. It's unreasonable to some extent, which makes me feel ashamed for feeling it. But again, this is something I read awhile ago but has always stuck with me: you can't apologize for how you feel. You feel what you feel, you can't control that. You can only control how you choose to act on those feelings. And what I feel is: disappointment. I feel that I've trusted myself and pushed myself hard enough to get past certain things in life that I know for a fact are not worth harping on or clinging onto or giving in to. And at times I've felt like I've truly succeeded, and that I've really made progress. And then at other times I feel like I've taken two steps back instead. It gets so confusing. I can't explain it. When I feel like I've taken two steps back, I feel that exact same pull, the exact same gravity that's always dragged me into the void, like the light I've worked so hard to crawl towards is just shrinking away from me.
On the other hand I am having more fun in school. On Friday we sat in the Honours room and someone said, do you feel like we all only made friends in year 4? And it felt good that other people felt the way I did, that the first 3 years of university was pointless but making friends now, if it all lead to this point, I suppose it could be worth it. It feels like I've been waiting for this for a long time as well, that for so long I've been telling God that I'm ready for whatever this is, this static, unmoving piece of life I'm living, to be over and done with, and that the time is finally coming. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I'm glad that this year's honours cohort seems to be quite close and friendly and generally fun people.
I just thought about things I always try to avoid instead of facing. I never really realized that I was the type of person to run away I think mostly because I never had things to run away from. I can't help feeling like you're being forced to grow up all the time. I can't imagine children who lose their parents and are forced to grow up overnight to care for their siblings. Often I get stuck pitying myself and all the shit I go through when it's honestly nothing compared to others. When I think about last night, that's what I think.
Also, been hearing of a lot of people passing away. People my age. It feels surreal. I wonder if to some extent I'm trying to desensitize myself to all this news. Almost to the point where if I start thinking about it I automatically start thinking about something else. It's weird.
I don't even know how to blog anymore.
10.10.13
this blog is dying
i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'
things i have thought:
people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.
i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.
i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?
i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'
SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY
that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?
sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.
but it has to end.
i read so much nonsense from everywhere i constantly feel confused
that is the internet's doing
currently playing a game called 'how long can i sit at starbucks without ordering a drink'
things i have thought:
people always find some kind of beauty in sadness and fear or the futility of life or its meaninglessness... it's beautiful to be sad. it's human not to be happy. there is wonder lying in the crevices of the irreparable cracks in our lives. to be intelligent is to be sad, is to be depressed, is to be REALISTIC of the cruelty that surrounds us. i've always thought this way, that when i was sad, it was something to be proud of, it was something that marked me as part of some emotional intelligentsia to which the likes of plath, woolf, bukowski, huxley, eliot and so on, belonged. i would read blogs of people who wrote constantly about feeling displaced and lost in life, of being constantly bogged down by the difficulties in life, who glorified this idea of 'the struggle' and made it a badge of honour.
i don't think that it's wrong to struggle, of course not. i don't think it's wrong to be sad. everybody can't be happy 100% of the time, especially not when life's hard knocks come and get you. but i think i'm going to stop looking at this image of the body hunched up in a corner in sadness as something that is inherently 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'. there are certain 'sad' things that are beautiful, no doubt, but certainly, when somebody is depressed or feeling lost, there isn't anything beautiful in that.
i wonder why we don't place being happy on a pedestal instead. is it because it is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your issues, or take a leap of faith and say, 'i'm not going to be sad anymore'? why don't we try HARDER to be happy? all these beautiful, sad people... aren't they just people looking over the brink in fear, too scared to open their lives to the possibility that sadness isn't all there is? or that sadness is NOT the inevitable ideal? isn't being constantly critical of everything wrong in your life greatly undermining everything GOOD that the universe gives us?
i simply can't reconcile this anymore. i keep feeling like the longer i let myself feel sad and upset, the more i'm cheating myself of everything good in this world. good people, good food, good music, good places. i feel like sad people are sad because they want to belong. because sad people 'get' other sad people. it's an easy way out, instead of trying to look for belonging in places that lie beyond shying away from your problems, instead of constantly validating your own fears by thinking that there is beauty in your sadness. i can't believe the number of times i have felt genuinely happy, only to smack myself down by thinking, 'you can't be happy. you have to be sad. that is what you are and that is what you have to show and be'
SADNESS DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY
that is not the way people should live! i am tired of feeling like i am important because i am sad. i am selfish for feeling that. the thing about sad and beautiful people is that they speak of their sadness as a permanent state in which they are constantly holding a futile search for the thing to bring them into happiness. why do they constantly talk in terms of finality or inevitability?
sad people lack gratitude on a very, very fundamental and important level. i feel angry that i've missed out on this point for so long. i feel angry of all the things i've missed out on because i've felt entitled to being a part of this mysterious, contemplative group of realistic amateur philosophers. what i really was, was afraid of how good my life could be. and i don't know why.
but it has to end.
3.10.13
here are some things i have written elsewhere:
had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen
It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.
had so much problems finishing my critique paper for religion class. just felt so.. frustrated… like i was stupid. couldn’t come up with any ideas. anything i wrote was just pointless. felt like doing other things instead of my paper. felt really stupid… felt like i should’ve finished it within an hour… took 3 days instead. really didn’t understand the readings.. or i understood them perfectly and had no questions or critiques on them… am i stupid. when did this happen
never realized how many
songs on the radio were songs that were like… ‘this is my life’ and ‘i’ll do
what i want’ and ‘nobody can hold me down’. never realized how encouraging it
is to hear things like that when you don’t expect it even if it’s coming from
people who are super famous and successful.. really liking ‘roar’ by katy perry
right now. i like that she calls herself a ‘champion’ it has a feel that is
like i am ‘great’ and ‘unbeatable’ and ‘i will fucking vanquish all of you’…i
like it i like being respected
think my face looks not bad
today but could have chosen better clothes for my body
hate that i am superficial
like this, wish i didn’t care but i do care ~ 80% of the time
i got sick of ‘safe &
sound’ by capital cities faster than i thought i would
i am so tired and i didn’t
even do anything today except wake up and drink coffee
seems strange that we can
feel/have things but simultaneously hide it from ourselves. if i was just
totally honest with whatever i feel all the time and not feel ashamed for
feeling them what would happen
It feels like I think I deserve to think about them, not forget them. I am constantly reminding myself of bad things that happened. It feels like I don’t deserve to forget about them. What I deserve is to remember the pain and remember any bad events. It happens so fast though.
19.9.13
pictures from within the past week
studied at the table in the living room everyday for the whole of e-learning week but achieved asymmetric results due to 'studying' consisting of tumblr, shows, naps...
headed down to school at 8am on a saturday to play soccer for the inter faculty games. most fun i've had in all my time at NUS. makes me regret that i didn't do something sooner. i wish somebody told me, although i have a feeling even if someone did i would've been stubborn and rationalized with myself how stupid school activities are. to be fair there are some motherfucking dumb things that NUS offers as 'activities' but there are also other things that, if you find the right people, more than make up for it. am glad i got to play soccer with that team of girls. we made it all the way to the finals and won it for arts. i'm glad i have that t-shirt not because i'm proud to be in arts or to be in NUS but because i'm proud to have played with that team and am proud to have seen something to its end (and did not quit) and am proud to have contributed properly (actually scored goals)
got so super burnt. i was as red as a tomato on the first day. four days later (today) my skin is peeling really badly. i haven't reached the stage where flakes just permanently drizzle around me like a light dermatological shower, but i've definitely reached the stage where i don't want to look in the mirror anymore. it doesn't bother me when i can't see it, you see, even though i know it's there
also pictures from mystique, which is wanyi's DSA fundraising gala dinner at shangri-la. that was so much fun. mystique is one of the best nights of the year. always no regrets going. decent 7 course dinner as well, this time! twas a really, really good day
since that day have been going through some ups and downs.. the downs coming a little more unexpected but i'm rolling with the punches... i tell myself phrases like 'ain't nothing gonna get me down' and things like that to cope and bear with any pain that decides to surprise me. told ashley just the other day, whenever i'm down, i just tell myself 'this is just one of your down days. be patient and soon you'll be up again. it'll be over. just be patient. it'll be over.' that's how i get through things, if anyone needs to know -- know that your down days are unavoidable but just like every day tomorrow comes and one day it won't be a down day anymore. look forward to that <3
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